Survey time!

From Meg's blog, by way of Rachel's blog, by way of Andrea's blog...

Three names you go by:
1. Lynn
2. Babe
3. Lynnaford

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Green sweater
2. brown pants
3. Shoes

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. The long weekend to come faster
2. A dog!

Three people who will probably fill this out:
They already have...

Two things you did last night:
1. Ate cereal for dinner
2. Sat on my butt

Two things you ate today:
1. Banana bread muffin from my grandma
2. Moe's

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. The doctor
2. Paul

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Go to work
2. Go to the gym...I hope

Two longest rides you have taken:
1. From Hammond, IN to Phoenix, AZ
2. From Phoenix, AZ to New Orleans, LA

Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke
2. Woodchuck hard cider

Twilight

So...I'm disappointed. The movie was mediocre at best, and although I wasn't expecting it to be like the books at all, it was still very rushed, VERY cheesy in some parts, and there was a huge lack of character development. It ended leaving everything wide open for the second movie, so maybe they'll do better next time. Now these are just my opinions (and mostly the opinions of the 5 other girls I saw the movie with last night), so go see it to decide for yourselves. BTW - screw Edward (Robert Pattison) - he's not as dreamy as everyone made him out to be, and is pretty creepy in real life, along with Jasper (Jackson Rathbone)...like whoa. Emmet (Kellan Lutz - the big one on the left), on the other hand, can pretty much take me anytime (as long as he sticks to the dark hair - the blonde makes him look ridiculous), with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) as a close second (even more so when he's not jailbait).

8 things

I just now realized that Rachel tagged me...duh. So two posts in one day! HA - maybe I'll keep going...

8 Favorite TV shows:
1: Anything on HGTV
2: Anything on Food Network
3: Chuck
4: How I Met Your Mother
5: The Big Band Theory
6: LA Ink (even though I don't really watch it anymore...)
7: House
8: Jon & Kate Plus 8

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1: Zoe's Kitchen
2: Olive Garden
3: Newk's
4: Logan's
5: Surin West
6: New Chinatown (Southside)
7: California Pizza Kitchen
8: Macaroni Grill

8 things that happened yesterday:
1: I woke up at 5:15 and didn't want to get out of bed (like every morning)
2: Work
3: ate leftovers of an awesome casserole I made (oh so good)
4: came home and sat on my rear
5: made quesadillas and cheesy Mexican rice for dinner
6: watched bits and pieces of different shows on TV
7: Did some laundry
8: Had fun with the hubby ;)

8 things to look forward to:
1: IT'S THE WEEKEND
2: Bama football on Satuday! We're #1!
3: Thanksgiving
4: Cruise!
5: Christmas in Chicago!
6: Getting a week and a day of vacation the week of Christmas (and the Monday after)
7: Decorating for Christmas
8: Hanging with peeps (in general)

8 things I love about fall:
1: colder weather
2: fires
3: winter clothes
4: Christmas shopping
5: STUFFING! (YES - Rachel, I knew I loved you for a reason...)
6: Changing colors outside
7: decorating the house
8: A Christmas Carol service at church

8 things on my wish list:
1: A dog!!
2: New clothes
3: New bedroom stuff
4: New sheets
5: New books/movies
6: A new fence in the back yard
7: A dog!!!
8: Losing weight

8 people I’m tagging (but honestly don’t expect to do it if they don't want to):
1: Meg
2: Andrea
3: Chris
4: Erik
5: Marie
6: Shane
7: ??
8: ??

New look AND a new post!

Whoa! lol...

The new look is based on the shirt/cardigan I'm wearing today - all shades of blue. Green is by far my favorite color, but I like blue during the wintery months. Especially ice blue...sigh. It's soothing for me. And this week, I'm in need of some soothing. I dealt with a flat tire, almost losing my wedding ring (it was on my bed - Paul found it), and being bored out of my ever-loving mind. I hate feeling disconnected from people I love, so that's been a hindrance of sorts as well. I'm still on zero about the new hobby, but I'm challenged to do some research on volunteering in the Ham. We'll see. Also, Paul has been a bugger this week about having a good attitude. It seems like the times he says something about it are the times when I want to have the worst attitude possible. Ugh. Anyway...

We need to start Christmas shopping. We don't have money for it, but we need to start. I'm a bit worried that I won't get a Christmas bonus this year (yay, economy!), but even if I do, all of it needs to go towards paying off debt. I hate debt.

So I know I'm probably crazy, but I told my mother in law that I wanted to learn how to make chicken and dressing on Thanksgiving. I do want to learn how to make it (even if it will never compare to stuffing), but spending that much time with her on a holiday might drive me a bit nuts.

Sorry for the random nature of this post - it's 6:40am and I just needed to be random for a minute. Have a great day!

I need a hobby

So. I decided after a hard conversation with Paul last night that I need a hobby. I'm overweight, I have health problems (apparently), and I'm bored. I'm a typical American, right? I work 40 hours/week, and then I spend the rest of my days sitting on my rear. I watch TV, work/play on the computer, cook (sometimes), and have no want or need for kids anytime soon. (We've talked about getting a dog, but we want to wait until after the first of the year because we'll be gone for a week for Christmas, and our backyard is currently void of a fence.)

I come home everyday, watch an hour of Gilmore Girls reruns (4:00-5:00), Rachael Ray's 30 minute meals (5:00-6:00), and Scrubs reruns (6:00-7:00). Then we usually watch whatever during prime time. I do laundry, and clean (sometimes), and as involved as we are in our church, we don't usually get to hang out during the week because we live kinda far away. SIGH.

What to do? Any suggestions? I've considered a lot of things, but have come up with nothing. I've thought about:

• Getting a part time job - this will not work because if you work evenings, you're working until at least 9:00 or 10:00, and if I am going to keep my day job (which means getting there at 6:00am), then there's no way in hades I'm working at night.
• Volunteering - this is definitely an option, but with what/whom or for whom? And how flexible would they be? Am I equipped enough to do something?
• Classic hobbies - knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, cooking, etc. All sound like great options, but there's a couple issues. A) These hobbies cost money - something we don't have, especially not any extra. B) I'm usually not super coordinated. C) I get bored very easily. D) All of these hobbies still include sitting on my rear or eating. Not good.
• Not-so-classic hobbies - ....can't really think of anything currently, but I'm sure more and more money would be involved, and/or far too much activity (did I mention I'm lazy?) Ugh.
• Going to school for something - once again, a definite possibility, but once again, MORE MONEY. Thinking about gaining more debt kinda makes me gag a little.

And there's my dilemma. HELP!

Happy Halloween!

Yaaaar Matey! A'hoy!!!

How do I...

concentrate? One of my aunts (who is technically my second cousin, but we all call her our aunt) died yesterday from cancer. Paul and I will be flying up to Chicago tomorrow at some point for the services. There are just so many thoughts running through my head right now...not just about that, but about life in general, or the lack thereof. Geez...I can be ridiculously selfish sometimes. And I take life and everything I have for granted so often. And her death hasn't even really hit me yet. I guess because it happened so fast - within 6 months - that I can't truly fathom that she's gone.

The other big thing that I'm dealing with is my physical health. I don't know what's wrong, and it really could be nothing at all, but I have a lot of symptoms that I'm just not ok with. Symptoms including (but not limited to): major fatigue, heart palpatations (if that's what you could call it), soreness in a few different places, etc. Needless to say, I need to go see my doctor. Hopefully that will happen later this week when we get back from Chi-town. I hate cliches, but the one that says "when it rains, it pours" is and has always been pretty much true for me. Also, money is way sparce at the moment. I hate being sick, which I have been a lot lately, especially because if I have to take time off of work, it's without pay currently, so I've pretty much screwed us over for the next month and a half. Awesome. Right before Christmas.

This may sound silly, but it all makes me think about Luke's sermon from yesterday - if you didn't get to hear it, you need to. It stepped on my toes a little, but mostly, it was a pleading challenge to my heart...when will you have faith? When will you trust that I (God) am in control, whether you want me to be or not? When will you understand that your faith should be uncontrollable (in a good way)? When will you act out of bravado and not self-absorbtion? I know I'm hard on myself A LOT. It's a natural reaction for me. But this isn't that - it's more of a cry from God's heart to mine. And man, I am not dealing with it well. Not well at all.

However.

I'm going to focus on being thankful for a moment, so indulge me.

• I'm thankful for causal day at work today and tomorrow (if I'm here). Especially because I am in a bright green hoodie today, which makes me happy.
• I'm so ridiculously thankful for my husband. He makes every day worth it.
• My gratitude for the friendships I have around me is unexplainable. I never thought we'd be surrounded by so many amazing friends.
• Even though the reason is sad, I'm glad I get to see all of my family this week.
• I'm thankful that even though money is tight, we can trust a God who has already proven his faithfulness time and time again.
• I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the car(s) I'm able to drive, a job that pays me, a family that loves me, friends who know me and love me anyway, and a faith in a God who will keep me afloat.

Now, if I could just focus on work...

4 pounds and counting!

WOO-HOO!!! So I'm pretty amazed at the whole Atkins thing. I've heard that this is pretty much how it works for most people, but to me, this is great. It's been a week, and I've lost a little over 4 pounds (I say a little over because I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I know I lost at least a few more ounces...)! It does suck pretty badly - I can't tell you how many times I've said out loud how much I want a piece of (or a whole) cake to whoever will listen. But so far, I've survived watching people at work eat stuff in front of me (i.e. fried chicken, shells and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken cordon bleu (sp?), etc...and that's just one person...), and I told Paul that I wasn't going to punish him by making him eat only what I eat - he needs the carbs with as much physical work as he does. So he had pizza rolls and a PB&J for dinner last night. Which I didn't have to make for him - he's such a big boy! ;) I guess that's one plus - making dinner is not as involved as it was before - grilling a steak, throwing a salad together, steaming veggies in my wonderful PC (Pampered Chef) steamer, baking chicken...super easy. It's the carbs that are a bit more complicated - casseroles (which aren't hard, but can be time consuming), rice (I've always sucked at making rice), pasta (also not hard, unless you're doing something fun with it...and I have to do something fun with it), etc. I have had to take some Benefiber with this diet, though, because of all the cheese. LOL. And I've tried some of the Atkins stuff - their shakes and snack bars. I've been pretty surprised, actually...they're not the best tasting things in the whole world, but better than a lot of things I've tried.

The things I miss the absolute most right now are pasta and ice cream. I bought some low carb pasta sauce and the Smart Taste pasta from Ronzoni to try after the Induction phase is over. I just have to remember portion control. I'm going to start walking with one of my BFF's tomorrow (hopefully), and I'm actually semi-excited about it. I'm finally doing something just for me, and I think that's helping me to stay motivated.

Other than dieting, life is good! We had a great weekend - we hung out with wonderfully good friends, bought a new washer and dryer (which are amazing - you should come over and try them), had a great service on Sunday, and have plans for more awesome things this week. You know...God is so good. Even when we're in this stage of "growing up" and discipline, He brings joy in so many randomly beautiful ways. I just hope I can keep up the positivity.

A new blog! Whoa!

I know, I know. It's bad. I am almost on the same plane as others who have thought about giving up their blogs. It's time consuming, but I think I should keep it for now. Anyway...

Here's an update:

• We preached a youth retreat this past weekend for the Southern District of the C&MA. It was awesome! I think better than we had originally thought it would go. Paul and I both shared throughout the weekend, and got to really reach out to these kids. There were a bunch of leaders too, and we got to have some awesome convos. We definitely aren't called to youth ministry, but this is definitely the type of thing we would be up for again. Erik did an awesome job planning it, and Luke was such an awesome support for us. Smiles all around.
• I started Atkins yesterday. It's going to be hard, but I'm finally doing something for me, and not for anyone else. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going hardcore with it, but definitely trying to cut down on my carb levels. It's gotten out of control. I made omelets tonight that about rocked my face off. It's definitely gotten me back into cooking, which is awesome.
• I heart Christian Bale. Sorry, we're watching Batman Begins.
• I am loathing laundry right now. I'm usually totally ok with doing it, but I'm not a fan this week.
• Can you believe it's already October 7th? Geeeez.
• So I stopped counseling and the behavior meds I was on. I sincerely feel like God used them for a time, and made sure I knew when that time was up. It's actually a really peaceful thing. Paul and I both feel like God has been telling us that it's time to grow up lately...not necessarily in specific areas, but in general. For me, it's more of letting go of my selfishness, and for Paul, it's more of letting go of insecurity. We're looking forward to the future, but we're not so super focused on it now. We're trying to make decisions using wisdom...decision that will affect our future, whether short term or long term. It's kinda exciting.
• One of those decisions is to get a dog in the not-so-distant-future. No, we're not using it as practice for a kid. The Benz's may have influenced us a tad, though... ;)
• I'm so pumped about what God is doing around us right now. New things going on at church, new relationships being built, new gifts being searched out, new peace about the crappy things in life (aka my job), etc. God is soooo good, dude!

Yay for a blog! YAAAAY!

YAY!

On a FAR more positive note...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!!

We love you!

:)

Broken

I should have known that there was something wrong with me when I didn't create ANY to do lists this week or last. I should have known that something was coming...and yet, I was blind. But God has taken up most of my thoughts these two weeks, which admittedly is not a lot in comparison to the rest of my life. I just find myself broken today. There are times when I feel like a loser (like yesterday, for instance), times when I'm down on my physical self, times when I cry a lot for no reason, etc. But today, it's truly brokenness. And that's hard. I guess you come to the point at times where you realize how truly selfishly motivated you are. How hypocritical you are. How lost you are. The point where you don't think you have any more tears, and then a fresh batch pours from your eyes without control. (FYI, it sucks when that's happening at work.) And even though it may be ironic and selfish, I find it appropriate that I feel like this on 9/11.

I've been in counseling for a while now, and have been on anti-depression meds as well. But I don't think it/they are helping. All I feel is anxiety - this all-consuming, painful, paranoid anxiety. It keeps me from moving sometimes. So does fear. Fear that I'm going to seriously screw up my life. Fear that I'm not going to be what I need to be to Paul as a wife, or to my future children as a mom. Fear that I will be in a place I hate forever. Fear of trusting, loving, breaking. Fear of giving up all that you know to have that true faith in a Savior who has done more for me than anyone ever has or ever will. That faith you read about. That people are willing to write about because it is that influential. A faith that isn't consumed by the day-to-day. Faith that spits in the face of fear, not out of superiority or pride, but because it knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that He's bigger. I sing about it on Sunday mornings. I preach about it to the Church. I pray it in the prayers I pray, even if it's in just a whisper. I even have it tattooed on my body. But do I really know it? Do I fully trust that God is everything He says He is? I don't have that kind of faith.

There are plenty of times where I'm hard on myself for no reason - where I'm being self-critical, which is not healthy. And this may look (and feel) like one of those times, but it's not. I think it's me seeing even more of what God has been trying to show me for the past 6 months or so. My being overwhelmed and stressed is not a challenge for Him. It's what He wants me to give Him. To hand it over...to cast it on Him because of His kindness towards me.

And that's it. I'm out of words. But there's a quote that keeps pressing it's way onto the hurting parts of my heart, and the tired parts of my head. God, make this so in me:

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent."

Monday Monday

So Shana and I are in the same boat - we have lost the blogging fever. It's kinda sad, actually. I thoroughly enjoy reading other blogs, but seem to find no time to update my own. Well, here's a list to get me going:

• I have had a very rude yet needed awakening over the past couple weeks. Let's just say I was punked by my supervisor at work, and it has filtered into the rest of my life. I'm trying to rid myself of the negativity that I am so prone to feeling, and although it's tough, I know it's a process, so I'm going to keep moving forward.
• I haven't said it in a minute, so I'll say it now - I LOVE our church. Each person has their own place there, and even when you feel disconnected (which I have here lately), it only takes one service or one meeting or one dinner to make everything better. I wish I could hang out with everyone all week long...ah, if we only lived closer.
• Luke has been preaching on a sermon series about personal spiritual formation over the past couple weeks. The sermon yesterday spoke about how we are and should be conforming to the image of Christ, and not the images we have contrived for ourselves, but the true, biblical image of the Son of God. It was really powerful. It's yet another reminder that I am and will never acheive perfect in this life, so I have to stop expecting it of myself.
• God has really been convicting me of my speech lately. I understand the legalism behind all of it, and I think I've steered far enough to the other extreme. It's time to start catching those bad words before they come out of my mouth. Our women's group meeting last night really hit this home for me - we were discussing the attribute of being virtuous (from the Proverbs 31 woman), and I realized that my speech is no where near that. I know that even this is a process, but it's been a sucker punch to the face everytime I think about.
• I had a very ironicly (sp?) cool Jesus moment last week. In response to all of the stuff going on at work, I decided that posting some positive things around my cubicle would be a good start. Shana had reminded me of a verse about not complaining, and I decided to look it up and put it on my computer screen so I would see it every day. When Bible Gateway pulled up the reference, I about fell out of my seat. The reference is Philippians 2:14-16, which just so happens to be tattooed on my left ankle. I, of course, remember the portion about shining like stars, but have since forgotten the beginning of the passage. I laughed out loud at God's sense of irony and humor. Talk about your visual reminders.
• My excitement about the coming weekend waned today because there are supposed to be thunderstorms covering Destin, FL the whole time we're staying there. As much as I hate the beach part of the beach (the sand especially), it's still going to be very sad if it ends up raining the whole time. :( Hopefully it will be a good bonding experience for Paul's family, and I know there will be some good food and shopping involved, so it may turn out ok. AND I bought a couple bathing suit pieces that actually fit well. Thank you, Target!
• My excitement for the next weekend, however, has only grown since we bought our tickets to see Ben Folds play live with the Nashville Symphony. We're staying overnight and took that Monday off. I'm super pumped about this event, but even more because I will have three 4-day weeks in a row. YAY!
• Can you believe September is upon us? I think it's crazy that this year is flying by so quickly. Paul and I will be married 3 years on September 24th (hence the trip to Nashville), and although I'm excited about it, it feels like the time has flown...like we should be married longer than 3 years already. Sigh.
• I think I'm seriously going to start school in either January or next August. More to come on that front...
• And a new tattoo is inevitable before the end of the year. Boo-yah.

Hope all is well in the rest of the blogging world...drop a comment and say hi!

*Sigh*

(Eh...just because I like the stars, or asterisks, as they may be...love you Meg!)

I feel like a loser because I don't blog anywhere near as much as I should - it's at least minimally theraputic for me. I'm just lazy. This week (well, since my last post) has been super hectic, including almost 8 hours of overtime at work. I know what you're thinking...what the heck are you doing working OT at a job you already hate? Well, let's put it this way - we have a beach trip and a trip to Nashville coming up, both in September, and the extra money will come right at that moment. It's out of necessity, I keep telling myself. And it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as it could have been - I was in our card room 90% of the time, so I didn't have to be near (specific) coworkers, nor did I have to be on the phones dealing with stupid customers. And we got everything accomplished - I needed to feel like I accomplished something this week. I'm working tomorrow too, but it won't be as bad as normal - I can wear regular clothes, we're not on the phones, we can play music, etc. I just keep thinking about the extra money...

Speaking of the beach, I ordered some bathing suit stuff yesterday from Target. They're different tankini-ish pieces (and a cover-up dress thing), but because Target's sizes are weird, I had to order a couple different kinds. I hate bathing suits with an ungodly passion, but the one I have currently has a ripped lining, and is ridiculously faded (probably because it's over 2 years old. HA.) I'm attempting to be ok with myself and how I look in a bathing suit before August 30th...lol...we'll see what happens.

I really can't believe it's August 8th already. I don't really remember July at all, and you can forget asking me about June. Everything is seemingly good right now...I'm trying to not expect the inevitable, but it's hard for me. Paul is preaching this weekend at Dega, so we won't be at SHC this Sunday...I'm kinda sad about it. :( Also, we're speaking at the C&MA District Youth Retreat in October. Once again, we'll see what happens.

I'm at the point where I'm revising my to-do list each week...does that make me OCD? Probably. And what sucks is that I have the same few things on there every week - they're not super important, but need to be done. And we need two computers at home - with Paul now being in leadership at church and about to start school again for the fall, and with me being the "communications-something-or-other" for church and trying to create, start and maintain a budget for home, this one laptop thing is killer. I think we're going to look into a desktop...

There's so much I could write about right now, but I'm just trying to make it through the next 40 minutes, so I'm going to sign off. Love to all!

Friday Survey...thanks Rach

Would it hurt seeing someone make out with your ex?
I won't ever see that, in the name of Jesus...

How did you wake up this morning?
Paul getting out of bed to go to the gym.

Do you drink regular or diet sodas?
Diet. But I try not to drink them a lot...they make you bloated!

Where is the biggest scar on your body?
Stomach - gall bladder removal

Would you marry someone you didn't love if paid 10 thousand dollars?
That's not a lot of money... so no.

Do you like cats?
Nope - they're pretty much evil.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?
It depends...

Last time you had pizza?
Tuesday @ Newk's...SO good!

Does the last person who put their arms around you mean anything to you?
He sure does ;)

Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for in your life?
Well, there's a couple...but Jesus and Paul have taken the cake in that area.

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
No. Ugh.

Do you have any obsessions right now?
To-do lists, working on the house, creating a budget, etc...do I need to keep going?

Have you talked to a complete a**hole today?
Not today...this week, but not today...

Do you regret something you did yesterday?
Hmm...not that I can think of...probably making spaghetti for dinner. I eat too much every time.

Do/did you do good in school?
I did well. I may try it again here soon.

Last text from?
Meg.

What are your plans for this weekend?
Dinner with some peeps tonight, getting my hair did tomorrow, some shopping (some good, some necessary), possibly a show in Southside Sat. night, church on Sunday...and whatever else happens inbetween.

Do you get distracted easily?
Sometimes, yes. But it usually gets on my nerves when people are uber-distracted, so I try to pay as much attention as possible.

Do you love someone at the moment?
I love lots of someones right now.

Have you had braces?
Yes, and they sucked, and my teeth are worse now.

Single or taken?
I'm taken. Completely.

What should you be doing right now?
Working...*sigh*.

Explain why you last threw up?
Cheap alcohol + Super Bowl snack food = bathroom till 2am.

How's this week been?
Tedious...but only at work. Everything else has been fine.

Do you miss someone?
Yep - my sister! Cause I just got one in May...

Do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
I tried that already - I like lifetime better.

Will you be in a relationship in 2 weeks?
I certainly hope so.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
YES...I have numerous ideas...

Where are you going to be at 4pm tomorrow?
Don't really know...hopefully at home.

Can you get jealous?
Most certainly.

Favorite color(s)?
Green, brown

Favorite fruit?
Strawberries and blueberries

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they liked you?
Sure...

Do you drink bottled water?
Yes, but I'm trying to cut back...you know, the environment and all...

Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
Probably Jesus

How many hours did you sleep for last night?
9ish

Have you ever in any way been betrayed by someone you trust?
Of course.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Eh...it depends on how much sleep I get.

Do you trust all of your friends?
All of my close friends, yes. Aquaintances, maybe not.

God loves me too much to leave me the way I am

So...this has been a hard week, and it's only Wednesday. I have spent the last two days going through a whole range of emotions, and attempting to understand why God allows things to happen certain ways. I've been crying out for some sort of answer to all of this, and have felt as if God is silent. But I realized something today...partially because of what Meg posted today. I read these words from Beth Moore's story:

"I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted, you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!" (emphasis mine)

Dang.

And as I sat here in my cubicle, shedding tears for the millionth time in four days, I just had to thank God for everything... For not getting the job. For healing Dave (YESSSS!!!!). For giving me a husband who is not only supportive of me, but petitions Him on my behalf. And regardless of how I may feel, I have to remember (with whatever amount of logic I can muster) that God is FAITHFUL. I have repeated that so many times this week, and yet, it has hit me anew just now. I know He will provide, whether it be with a new job, extra money for our bills, amazingly Spirit-filled experiences at church, awesome friends, families that love us, etc. etc. etc.

And I'm thankful that He gives us time to get over ourselves. :)

Well...

In case you didn't get the email, I didn't get the job. :(

Blargh

I'm right there with you, Rach. Me and blogging haven't been friends as of late, and I don't even know why. I guess it's mainly because I have a ton of stuff going on, and blogging is by far my last priority. But I enjoy it...*sigh*.

So this has already been a super long week, and it's only Thursday. I love the fact that my brother (Jim) and his youth group are in town, but it's kinda taking over our week. Because it's a good thing, I'm trying really hard not to get stressed out about it, but it's not working very well. I was awake for more than 17 hours yesterday. Seriously? *Sigh AGAIN*. And the weekend is going to be pretty much the same. Although, it's filled with good things, so once again, I'm trying. Last night was actually really great. Paul and I got to have dinner with the group at Jim 'N Nick's in Southside, and we got to see my brother in his element. We had "group time" after dinner where he was asking them about their expectations - of the trip, of themselves, of God, etc. All of the kids participated, and you can tell that some of them are really thinking about things. After we got to pray for them, Jim told them to say goodbye to us, and a whole group of girls came over to hug me. (Sniff, sniff...) I dislike highschoolers because they're stupid, but this was awesome.

Tomorrow I'm working 6-3, and then going to Sam's Club to shop for food. Have I mentioned yet that I'm feeding 20 or more people on Sunday? Yeah. That's a lot of food. And then we're getting up early on Saturday to go white water (is that supposed to be one word?) rafting with the kiddies. That will be an all-day adventure as well. Then a packed out church service on Sunday, and lunch. It's going to be good, but I may just pass out on Sunday night. You can just imagine what my to-do list looks like this week...lol...

Anyway - random bits - I still haven't heard anything about the job (hopefully either tomorrow or Monday); Paramore is an amazing band and they write amazing songs, and I cannot get them out of my head; I miss my girls!; pray for the Lain's!

#75!

I'm such a loser for being excited about 75 posts, but whatever. It's just a new list, kiddos...nothing too exciting. :)

• I realized yesterday that I like bullets way better than numbers.
• I interviewed for a new position at my company yesterday. If it happens, it would be, like, super good. We may find out by the end of next week, or the beginning of the following week. We'll see...
• Paul was gone last night for the men's prayer retreat, and although I'm happy that he's there, I'm not happy because I didn't sleep well at all. *Sigh* I guess that's what happens when you're so used to having someone else in bed with you.
• I'm so thankful that today is the last work day this week. Props to the men who fought for our independence! We thank you!
• The addiction has caught up with me again...needing another tattoo...
• I'm actually getting my hair dyed tomorrow. And cut. Both by Lindsie. It has been way too long, and although I'm not getting anything funky done, it's still going to be better than doing it myself out of a box. I miss having fun hair... :(
• I'm seriously considering going to school...online, but still, it's school. It's kinda scary to think about, but I feel like it's something I need to do, even if it's just for an associate's degree in something. Am I weird for that?
• Speaking of school, Paul seriously only has about a year left. 7 classes. Do you know how amazing this is? He's literally been working on a bachelor's degree since 1999...I think. And now he'll have it in something he truly enjoys, and that will get him somewhere eventually - a degree in Christian Ministry. It's about as vague as you can get, so it works for us. Lol...
• I preached at our church two Sundays ago. You can hear it here if you would like to. I'm actually kinda proud of it because I really spoke from my heart, and not just because Dave titled it that. LOL.
• My brother is bringing his youth group down to the good ol' south on Saturday. They'll be in Nashville Sat. overnight to Sun., and will then drive to the Ham. They'll be here all week working with a group called Mission Serve, and we will get to hang out with them a bit, including white water rafting on the Ocoee next Sat. Should be interesting. They'll also be at church on the 13th.

Alrighty kids, I think that's good for now. Must get into the shower and head to my super awesome job. *Sigh*

God's will

Ever wonder about God's will? I do. A lot. Especially when I'm crying out, or screaming in anger, or weeping for someone else...when I'm emotionally involved in life, and I don't know why in the world certain things happen. I question it all the time. Maybe that makes me unfaithful, but I believe God is ok with our doubts - the Truth isn't scared, ya know? I just know that right now, in my heart of hearts, the only thing I want in this life is God's will for it. Now, this causes me to fear what may come because sometimes, I suck at making decisions, and I fail those I love. This causes me to worry because I'm human, and that's the one area where God doesn't have full control. This causes me to be (minimally) excited because I know there is a prospect (or there are prospects) of change and new and different in the future. I read something today about taking risks. The author spoke of the parable of the talents mentioned in Matthew 25:14-28 and how the third, wicked servant was treated. He buried his talent instead of taking a risk, and he was thrown out of his master's house into darkness. The author than expounded to say that we are like the wicked servant if we're not using the talents God gave us, etc. Now, I know that's a bit of an extreme, but that's exactly how I've been feeling lately. It's so hard for me to think about the possibility of never using my true talents in my job...and yet, here I stand.

God, I want YOUR will, not mine. I believe, but help my unbelief. I need you...

I'm weak

I couldn't think of a better title...but it is true. Anyway...I figured there should be an update. I have a few pretty major (well, major to me) prayer requests:

• The doctors in Chicago seem to think that my grandma may have Alzheimer's. She hasn't completed all of the tests yet, and to think about that subject truly makes me sad, so we're just praying right now. We're not sure of her salvation either, so that makes this even heavier. She's just really...spacey, for lack of a better term. It's hard for her to complete sentences if she's even remotely distracted, she doesn't sleep very well, she forgets things pretty frequently, and when in a group setting (family parties, mostly) she just sits there, not talking to anyone. Being in Chicago for my brother's wedding was a joyous time, but so sad.
• My mom's cousin has cancer. I think I blogged about this before, but either way, it's hard. As far as I know, she's doing chemo and radiation every week - the doctors said that because the cancer is so aggressive, they need to be. I haven't gotten an update lately...I need to call my mom.
• Hard times at AutoTec. I couldn't post about this until today for privacy reasons, but on Friday, we found out that our company is stopping the Membership project. I've blogged about this before - it was a campaign to charge every representative/dealership in our system a fee to lessen the fees to our customers, the auctions. Well, the biggest auction group in the country (Manheim) pulled out. Because of this, we couldn't possibly ask the other auctions groups in the country to keep pressing the fees. Of course, this causes me to worry for a few reasons: 1) the raises that were promised at the beginning of this thing are going to be a lot harder to come by (I'm not saying impossible, but you know...) and 2) the extra job positions that they were going to create were specifically for the Membership project stuff. This is the main reason I was staying here - I was told that I was first up to move to a different position once the initial push of the campaign was done. However, now, I'm not so sure what the heck is going to happen. I'm not leaving any time soon, because I think that would be a really crappy thing to do to the company right after getting kicked in the preverbial face, but I may be updating my resume, just in case.
• I have zero motivation to do anything. The gym is pretty much out, along with WW. I sleep a lot, and the rest of the time, I feel tired. The migraines are still around. I try to get up and pray in the mornings, especially because I feel like a total loser not going to the gym, so I figure I should be doing something productive. But that only lasts for so long and then I'm playing on my computer. I have to preach in a week and a half, and although I know the scripture passages that I'm preaching out of, I don't feel anywhere near prepared. I'm excited about the women's ministry starting up at our church, but I feel oddly disconnected from it currently. I'm so happy that one of the guys on the worship team has stepped up to be our leader, but I'm not praying for him like I should be. I keep telling myself that it's just me, but I truly believe that the enemy has something to do with all of it. UGH.
• I'm trying to figure out my stance on alcohol (Paul seems pretty set on it, I guess) and it's hard. I'm in the middle of a teaching by Mark Driscoll about it, and he's all for drinking biblically - not getting drunk, etc. And I'm for that too. I'm just afraid I don't know my boundaries anymore...

So anyway, these are just a few of the things that weigh on me pretty much everyday. I would totally appreciate your prayers!

On a more positive note, a few things: our yard sale last Saturday was AWESOME! We made over $200. I got to eat lunch with one of the most awesome people in my life today. Erik is coming out to H-town on Friday for dinner - we'll be discussing the possibility of Paul and/or me preaching to his youth kids this month. And I FINALLY purchased what will be my new favorite shirt - it should be here in a few days. Also, we started on the new closet organizer for the new office closet, and soon, we'll have our new desk put together. :) You always have to look for the positives!

Psalm 16

This is giving me strength today...

Psalm 16 (NIV)
1 Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Update

• Projectstupiddress: accomplished and done with (thank God). It zipped, and although my psycho mom basically told a ton of people at home about the issue, and ALL of them HAD to come up to me on Sunday and tell me how GREAT the dress looked, I still pretty much hated it. Oh well...maybe it will make some girl at the YWCA super happy.
• Brother's wedding: ridiculously extravagent, but nice. It's kinda hard for me not to be jealous of them - the parents spent around $30,000 on their wedding, they got almost $17,000 back in gifts/money (probably more), and now they're in Hawaii for 8 days. Hard...very hard...
• Being with the fam: busy and crazy, but priceless. I wish we were closer, but you know...every time we go to Chicago now, God reveals something new to me. The last time we went (around Christmas) I realized that I am a pure-bred Yankee, no question. However, this time, it was as if God confirmed our being in AL...that I don't have to base my whole person on being from the north. I know I wouldn't want to be dealing with their cost of living, the gas (it's around $4.20/gallon or so), the traffic (although that's bad just about anywhere), and the craziness of my family. They're great, but they're crazy. God is good...He knows what we need before we need it.
• Migraines: so not cool! I have been dealing with them just about everyday for the last week or so, and I am not happy about it. The few I had at home made me nausious. Ugh.
• Selling the truck: I don't know when it will happen, but it will. The gas prices are killing us. I wish I could get something even more efficient than my Mazda...
• Preaching in June: yes, I will be preaching on June 22 as part of the Reach, Connect, Send sermon series. I'm pretty sure it's a Connect sermon - it should be interesting.
• Counseling: I had my second appt. yesterday morning, and it was great. She wants me to go to some anger management education classes, and she said we need to work on some [appropriate] assertive skills. We talked about the possibility of me going to school for something, my skills, talents, etc. It was productive (for the most part) and I'm excited for my next meeting - June 19th.

Well, for not being in the mood to blog, I guess this is pretty good! ;)

A List on MY Friday

Yes, today is my Friday. And it's wonderful. The day has gone by kind of slowly, but I don't have to be here tomorrow OR Friday, so really...I'm ok with it. Plus, I'm in our card room for probably close to the remainder of the day. Sigh...sometimes work is good.

Anyway, here's the list:

1. DO NOT eat the Flatbread Melts from Arby's. They are HORRIBLE for you. If any of you know what the points values are like in Weight Watchers, one of them is 14 POINTS. Ugh...and I ate one yesterday without knowing. Not smart.
2. However, if you do happen to go to 5 Points Grill in Southside, their grilled quesadilla is AWESOME. Probably not all that good for you, but still REALLY good.
3. My good buddy Hannah and I went to Sips N' Strokes last night. It was SO much fun! Except for the adult-turned-highschoolers sitting behind us. Oh well. We painted a picture called "Circles", and Paul and I plan on hanging mine up in our new office (once it's finished, that is). Mine doesn't look much like the picture, really, but I wanted you all to have a point of reference.
4. Project stupiddress is in full swing - I lost two pounds last week, and I can tell I've lost some inches. Pray to the Lord Almighty that this thing fits me tomorrow when I go for my fitting. And also pray that I keep this up even after the dress is over and done with.
5. I'm still kinda shocked that my little brother is getting married. He's not really little, per se, and he's only two years younger than me. He's actually a year older than I was when I got married. I don't know...I guess it's just the culmination of the last 5.5 years that's just so...awe-inspiring. Kari is already a part of our family in all aspects, but this makes it official. I guess this is how people felt when Paul and I got married. I know I'll probably be balling on Sunday just like Jim was balling a couple years ago... ;)
6. I'm not looking forward to leaving my house by 5:15 AM tomorrow morning. I'm yawning just thinking about it.
7. We're so going to miss being at church on Sunday! A bunch of people were out this past week, and I wanted to make fun of the burns on the beach ladies...lol... But seriously, I really wish we could be in two places at once.
8. We saw Prince Caspian on Sunday - it was so good. Up to par with the first movie, actually. I really need to read the books...maybe that would be good plane reading. They're just sitting on one of our bookcases, staring at me...
9. So as much as my mind has been on Project stupiddress as of late, I'm also really excited because we're having a huge yard sale at the house on June 7th. We have a ton of stuff to sell, so I'm hoping to make some extra cash. Mama needs a new rug for the new office! Our neighbors (and some of the bestest friends ever) will be helping us - Chris will be making homemade cookies, so come on out to H-town!
10. Paul said something so cheesy yesterday, but it's so true - he said that he loves how when he falls deeper in love with Jesus, he falls deeper in love with me, and visa versa. I think that's such an awesome thought...it definitely puts marriage into perspective, and gives me an even better (if still minute) understanding of what the Marriage is going to be like...
11. Dude...I can't tell you how excited I am that the women's ministry at SHC is almost up and running! Shana did an amazing job on our bookmarks (PROPS!) and I can't wait to see who my "Barnabas Buddy" will be. LOL...we definitely need to change the name...

OK...I guess that's enough for now. I should be doing work...eh, whatever... Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day!!!

Can you believe it's already May 12th?!?

I don't know why, but lately, I'm amazed at truly how fast time flies. I mean, I feel like I was just celebrating Christmas! I'm weird, I guess. Anyway, this weekend was oh so good. Paul and I got to have a date on Friday night (the first time in forever). We ate Moe's and saw Iron Man. It was decent...a lot of build up, and there will most definitely be a sequel, but it was good. Saturday was the gym, NOT getting my wedding rings back (ugh...another story for another day), a Wal-Mart run (not so much fun on a Saturday), making pasta salad, and getting to La Casa de Benz late. Sorry ladies! But girl's night was a success, I believe. Megan was an awesome host, and I think WE ALL realized that we're not the only weirdos around here... ;)

Sunday was weird, but ok. Church was good - I believe Luke preached what God was telling him to preach. It definitely hit me and Paul. Mother's day was dumb...I love Paul's parents, but his brother gets on my every last nerve. He keeps talking about the girl he's basically living with as if their relationship is just as good as Paul or Keith's marriages. NOT SO, SIR. Regardless of how much you may "love" or care about her, you're still not married, so it's still not a good thing. Especially to talk about in detail in front of your parents. You're dumb. I did get to eat steak though... :)

Well, I started this blog earlier today, and am just now finishing it (at 8:55pm). I'm smelling the wonderful odor of varnish on our hardwood floors (first coat - second and last will be tomorrow!), and our neighbor even ate dinner with us. Good times. I got some laundry done, the kitchen (kinda) clean, and this smell isn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be.

Update on the godforsakenbridesmaid'sdress...I am shipping it priority mail to my mother tomorrow and her tailor is going to try her darndest to take it out. She's worked with dresses of this (horrific) nature before, and there really aren't any specific instructions - rip the thing apart if you have to, but take it out as much as humanly possible. Also, I won't have to worry about packing it, getting it all wrinkled, and then rushing around to get it steamed or pressed when we get to Chi-town next week. Sigh. I guess I feel better about it...we'll see what happens. Wow...my brother gets married in 13 days. Trippy.

OK...Paul is giving me dirty looks for being on the computer so much. Peace out kiddies!

I'm in a mood today

The day didn't start out well. First, I hate miscommunication. Like, getting back into bed with me this morning and making me want to fall back asleep when your true M.O. is to get me to go to the gym (Paul). Second, the gym is hard. And I don't like it. And I REALLY like sleep, ok? Third, knowing I'm in a bad mood, I take everything out on Paul like an idiot. Then attempt to call and apologize and we're back to the miscommunication. UGH. We haven't spent anywhere near as much time together this week as we usually do, and I think it's affecting me.

Fourth, my work days are long. Really long, this week especially. I'm doing someone else's work instead of my own, and although I really enjoy this stuff a whole LOT more, I have a feeling I'm going to get reemed by my customers soon. I hate being in that position. HATE IT. Fifth, I found out last night that my mom's cousin (so, technically my second cousin?) has cancer. They did surgery yesterday to remove what they thought was a silver dollar-sized mass, but when they got into it, it was softball-sized. We don't know any details yet, but they said they're sure they got 99% of it. Really?? I hate it when they (the doctors) say stuff like that, even though I understand that sometimes, that's all they can say. Sigh. Hopefully we'll know what's going on within the next week. But it makes me so sad, and angry - I hate cancer - it's one of the ugliest weapons the enemy has. Sixth, I looked at the godforsakenbridesmaid'sdress this morning, and cried. I'm running out of options and time, and I'm super stressed out about it.

Ok, no more complaining. God is good, and He knows everything that's going on right now. Jesus, help me to be more like you.

Updates

Well, the DW & Sandra show was awesome last night. If you're a friend of mine on MySpace, you can see some pics. If not, too bad. ;) I might have to do a picture post here soon anyway. Our weekend otherwise was pretty good, I guess. Friday night was interesting - I'll give you details in person if you want them. Saturday was a pretty lazy day (which is what Paul and I both needed). We hung out with friends Sat. night and got some New Chinatown (soooo good - right, Rachel?) Sunday was a bit of a sad day, and once again, if you want details, I'll tell you in person. DW always has a way of making me feel better, though! And we got to hang out with our "concert buddy" Erik. (We told him that we're going to have to hang out next time without going to a show...)

We're hoping to have the hardwood floors done this weekend. Paul (my awesome yet procrastination extraordinare hubby) has still not talked with our neighbor - the one we're paying to refinish the floors. Like I told him yesterday - I understand the man doesn't have a full time job (or part time, for that matter), but that doesn't mean we should only be giving him a few days notice. And look - we're only giving him a few days notice (and that's if Paul talks to him today or tomorrow). Sigh...we'll see what happens. This is really the best weekend for us, so let's pray it's a good weekend for Dave. (Please, Jesus?)

I can't even tell you how excited I am about girl's night. This week is going to be a long one (doesn't it suck when you can already tell - and it's only Monday???) so I can't wait to have some good girl time. And I have no doubt that the Casa de Benz will be a fine establishment to stay in that night! I'm just really thankful for good friends - people who are real with me, and I can be real with them. People who love Jesus and push me to love Him more. People who let me vent about stupid stuff, and don't have to say anything in return because they know I'm only venting. I don't have a ton of these people in my life, but if you're one of them (and you know who you are) just know I'm super thankful for you.

And I'm still freaking out about this stupid bridesmaid's dress - anyone know a great way to lose two dress sizes in three weeks? I'm willing to do anything short of starving myself. I'm doing WW, and that's helping, but it's not going fast enough (for right now - typically, this pace of weight loss would be totally acceptable). I don't want to do anything stupid or rash, but if you know of a specific diet (like, giving up or eating specific things) that has WORKED, please let me know! Thanks!

Things I'm currently excited about

I know, it's another list, but admit it - you love 'em!

1. Hardwood floors - In case you haven't heard our testimony from this past weekend, here you go. Paul and I went to see Rent in ATL this past weekend (and it was awesome). Well, on Saturday, we checked out of our hotel and went to Ikea (if you don't know what Ikea is, seriously, click on the link). Anyway, we found a desk. Not just a desk, but a desk connected to a cube book shelf (if you know us at all, this is awesome, and yes, it's actually more than $50.) After an almost-fiasco of loading it into the car (I ended up being chauffeured home), we decided that if we're going to actually set it up, we need to rip up the carpet in the office and lay down some (fake) hardwood laminate flooring. We run to Home Depot, pay almost $400 to re-do the floor and closet in the office, and come home. We start by clearing the room and ripping out the carpet in the closet, only to find some naaaasty, old skool laminate (we're talking dark brown with weird shapes) underneath. Of course, we're thinking, "This is going to be greeeaat..." We start pulling the rest of the carpet only to find - YES - the ORIGINAL hardwood floors!! Boo! Yah! Our house was built in 1948, so we seriously thought there would be plywood or something under there because we never pulled up more than a little corner of this carpet. But wait...there's more. We start pulling the carpet out of the hallway - and yes, they're there too. THEN we pull up a full corner in the last bedroom, and yes, there too! WOO-HOO!! A) This will save us a ton of money; B) we are going to try to use this as a ministry opportunity with our neighbor; C) this will add a TON of value to the house. It's going to be a lot of work, and my house is insane right now, but it will be totally worth it.
2. Organization - Because of #1, my house is, as I said, insane right now. All of the stuff from that bedroom is strewn about the rest of the house. However, I am turning this into a positive by making it a HUGE organization project. We are planning on doing a yard sale, so some of the stuff will go to that. We also donate stuff to one of our local thrift stores, so they'll be getting some good stuff. I have a ton of ideas as to what to do with the rest of it - scrap books, picture frames, storage in the attic (ha), etc. It's gonna be great.
3. Counseling (I officially started with a counselor today, not the psychiatrist) - It was great. The woman I'm working with is going to be really good for me.
4. Bible study - I believe Maxwell is talking about healing this Thursday. It's one of those subjects close to my heart because of things God has healed me from. I'm just glad I'm involved with this particular group - we all want to go deeper, and we're real with each other. That's how Bible study is supposed to be! Even if we move to talking about how bad the Emergent church is (hehehe...)
5. Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken THIS SUNDAY NIGHT - Workplay, 8:00pm, be there or be square. If you've ever talked to Paul or me, you've heard a Derek Webb quote. He's just that good.
6. Girl's Night - May 10, The Barn, 6:00pm. Need I say more??
7. My brother's wedding - Yes, I have had a panic attack about the bridesmaid's dress I have to wear, but I'm still pumped about my brother getting married. His future wifey, Kari, is one of my favorite people ever, and I'm so excited that she's going to "officially" be part of the family (they've been dating for like, 10 years (read 4) so she's already a part of the family). Plus, as an added bonus, I'll be away from work for a couple days. YESSS.

I guess I'll stop at 7. :) What are you excited about right now?

Lists, Lists, Lists

I haven't done a random list in a while, so enjoy:

*We took Erik Pasco to see Switchfoot yesterday in Hunts-vegas, and I must say, it has to be the best rock show I've been to...maybe over all. I've seen a lot of shows, but this was high energy, meaningful, honest and sooo good. It definitely confirmed my love for the band. AND I got to hear Jamie (the founder of TWLOHA) speak before Switchfoot performed. Yeah...I cried. I can't help it - when people I don't know speak my heart, it moves me.

*I love our church. I know I've said this a billion-trillion times, but we (Paul & I) have recently had a resurgence of love for our little part in God's family. Sigh.

*I get to see DW and his wife-y on May 4th @ Workplay. Want to come??

*I worked 8 hours of overtime last week. It was tough, but worth it. I even came in on Saturday! It was actually the most fun I've ever had at this job...like THAT is hard to believe.

*WE GET TO SEE RENT THIS WEEKEND!!!! YAY!!!! AND I get to leave work early on Friday to go to Atlanta. Boo. Yah.

*I decided to go back on Weight Watchers last week. I basically had an emotional breakdown about the bridesmaid's dress I have to wear in May for my brother's wedding, so I made the decision. It's been good, and I lost three pounds last week. :)

*Paul is itching to do landscaping for the house. We've had so much to do on the weekends, and we'll finally have some time in May. He's uber-excited. He even drew up some "plans" today, and wrote down some places we need to check out. He's a nerd.

*I finally got a Gmail email address. It's ok.

*Special K2O Protein Water is really good, and the whole bottle (16 oz) is free in points! It's definitely a good find.

*I hate my cell phone. It likes to turn off randomly, even if the battery is fully charged. I'm awaiting my upgrade...c'mon July! I think I might put a bit of extra $$ into it to get something good...we'll see.

*For those of you who pray, please send up some love for me about my job. I'm praying about some decisions, and I really want God's guidance on it. Gracias!

*I want to buy this t-shirt, but I'm really battling paying $20 for it. I keep asking myself if it's worth it, and everything in me screams, "YES!" But I dunno.

*My tattoo addiction is kicking in...it's been a couple months...

*Girl's Night - MAY 10! :)

Ok, I guess that's enough for now. More later...

My story

So, I have been thoroughly inspired to write out my salvation story by reading the amazing posts on the blogs of Meg & Rachel. Here goes:

I was raised in a Lutheran church with an unsaved mom who had been through hell and back. She lost her first husband (my dad) when I was four and my brother was two. She was in her 20's, my dad had handled just about everything at home, and his death was ridiculously sudden (he had a massive heartattack on the angiogram (sp?) table. Yeah, that's the test they do to check your heart. As an aside, it was the first and only patient my doctor ever lost. My dad was only 29). I'm sure she felt hopeless. At that point, the Church took care of my mom (even though salvation was never something talked about, let alone accepted openly). It was just God's unseen hand in our lives.

When I was 5, my mom married our mailman. Yes, that's the humor in the story. He had a son from a previous marriage, so I now had two brothers. Mom and the Mailman had another kid, so now, I had three brothers. It was an interesting life. I was still pretty much completely unaware of God, until I turned 10, and my parents got a divorce. To be honest, I wasn't really surprised - I was almost relieved. They didn't have a healthy marriage - it was obvious - but it was still really hard for all of us. We (my mom, me, and two brothers) moved out of the house we had all lived in, and I started counseling. I know that seems random, but it's a very key part to my life, as God revealed to me later.

It was after the divorce that everything changed. When I was in 6th grade, my mom got saved. Not from a service, or being called to an altar, but in her bedroom after hitting me for the last time. My mom wasn't abusive, but when she was angry, it was easy for her to give into her anger, and at that time, she was very heavily under conviction - God was calling her to himself, and she was resisting. When she gave her life to Jesus, it was a complete 180 - she was a totally different person. It was hard to see without being judgemental, and trust me, plenty of people (including family) were very judgemental. I started attending a Christian summer camp that summer, and I cried a lot. I knew things were off, but I didn't really know what to do about them. I guess I technically got saved that summer, but it was just the beginning of a long, excrutiating roller coaster ride. My mom got married for the third time to my now-stepdad when I was 13. It was a tough time for me, not because of a new dad, but because I felt like my mom was being too dependant, and at 13, that wasn't a cool thing for me to see. I rebelled a lot.

In high school, I had random experiences with God. Looking back now, I could see his hand working all things together, but at the time, I was way too self-absorbed to see anything. I went through multiple stages (as most teenagers do), and in my senior year, I got to my lowest point. I was at the point where I didn't care anymore. I had lived this double lifestyle for so long - to some, I was a great Christian and leader, and to others, I was just another girl who struggled with life and who didn't have the answers. It was paradoxical because I knew who God was, I believed in Jesus and everything he did, but my life showed none of that. Satan took whatever ground I would give him, and I gave him a lot. I won't go into detail, but if you would like to know, please ask. Anyway...it came to the second semester of my senior year, and I was even planning on going to a Christian college. I had all the plans together - what my major was going to be, where I was going to live, etc. I was sitting in my bedroom, thinking about everything that was going on in my life, and a song came on my stereo - "Why" by Nichole Nordeman. It's a secret song on one of her CDs, and it talks about the crucifixtion from different points of view - from a little girl, from Jesus and from God. The song is amazingly written, and by the end, I was curled up on my floor, balling my eyes out. It was the first time I really and truly understood that it was MY sin that nailed Jesus to the cross, and it was only HIS love that could save me. I (finally) gave up my struggle and let Jesus in.

Over the last 6 years, I have been through a LOT. I went through periods where I felt like God was nowhere near me. I went through times where I literally could feel God's presence right next to me. There have been PLENTY of ups and downs. My last post was a specific experience I had with the Holy Spirit, but he has been right there the whole time. God brought me to Alabama, gave me Paul, and allows me to help bring community to one of the best churches in the area - Safe Harbor. I could cry right now just thinking about where God has taken me from, and where He'll take me to. He's an awesome God to serve, love, and share with others. I'm so thankful that He chose me - a prideful, lustful, angry girl - to be made whole by HIS love and grace.

My life verse is Philippians 4:13 (it's one of my tattoos) - "I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me." I pray that God makes real to whoever reads this what His strength truly is. :)

P.S. I'm uber-pumped about girl's night. Yay!!

Holy Spirit Power

Luke posted a blog about the Holy Spirit today on the website, and it got me thinking about the Holy Spirit. Duh. Anyway, I think most people raised in traditional (i.e. non-pentecostal) church have a skewed view about the Holy Spirit. I know I did. I was raised Lutheran until I was 18, and the HS wasn't talked about much. I was aware that he was the third party in the Trinity, but I didn't understand the Trinity. I knew that the book of Acts talked about him - the day of Pentecost, specifically - but I didn't understand Pentecost. No one ever told me that I could have the HS within me, as part of my heart. It wasn't until I joined Master's Commission that I realized how important and wonderful and powerful the person of the Holy Spirit is. Of course, I was surrounded by the weirdos - people doing idiotic things in the name of the HS, so it was easy for me to be skeptical. However, once I experienced him for myself, everything became more clear. I had an amazing experience during my first year of MC called the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Now, this is doctrinal, but the AoG (Assembly of God denomination) believes that this baptism is separate from salvation, and that speaking in tongues is the first initial evidence of the baptism. This is where people get lost, and understandably so. A friend of mine got pretty defensive in talking about this because she was taught that when you accept Christ into your heart, you are filled with his Spirit. She didn't understand (and was rudely treated because of her ignorance) what this separate experience was all about.

As far as my opinion is concerned, I do not believe you have to experience this baptism to be saved. I do not believe you have to speak in tongues to go to heaven. I do not believe that every believer is to receive this baptism. For me, I can only base my beliefs on what I read in the Word and what I have experienced personally. There are numerous examples within the New Testament where the Holy Spirit's ministry is specifically mentioned - day of Pentecost, Peter @ Cornelius' house, Paul's conversion, etc. I say the HS's 'ministry' because he was sent after Jesus ascended to be with us, as a person, a guide, a comforter. He made himself real to me. The experience I had during my first year was in the midst of true believers praying over me, laying hands on me, etc. I'll be honest, it was weird - I was not used to this kind of outpouring of love or concern. But I felt like things were being lifted off of me - things I had held onto for so long. I was giving up control and giving in to the Holy Spirit - the one who had tried to guide me since my salvation. It was as if God was saying, "It's TIME!" I spoke in tongues that first time, but not really out loud for anyone to hear me. It wasn't until that next weekend that I really let loose and began speaking in my new prayer language. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but I promise you - it was (and still is) one of the most awesome parts of my faith - when I pray in tongues, I know God is not only hearing me, but the HS is praying through me! How awesome is that?! There are so many times where I don't have the words to pray for something or someone, but I know it's on my heart. That's when the HS takes over. It's not like he's going to make you do something you shouldn't, or make you look like a fool - but maybe, just maybe, he's trying to gently persuade you to give up control.

I had an awesome experience with God yesterday - repentance is hard, and it hurt a lot, but I knew it needed to happen. One of the best parts about it was that I wailed in tongues - it was as if the HS knew I couldn't pray for myself because I felt so worthless, so dirty in God's sight. This experience has refreshed me and has reminded me of the power I have through the HS. I need his presence. I need his guidance. Jesus did everything for me, including sending the HS down to me and to you. I just felt like I needed to share with those few who read this. ;)

Questions on Prayer

Paul posted some questions on Safe Harbor's website, so I'm bringing them here to answer them. Enjoy.

Discuss prayer in the following ways:

How does it affect you personally and/or practically?
Prayer is something I took for granted growing up. I seriously thought that unless my prayers were eloquent enough, or meaningful enough, then God wouldn't hear them or answer them. I even said "excuse me" if a coughed or sneezed during my prayers. What a weirdo! But after I got saved, I realized that it's more of a conversation between me and God...one I don't take advantage of enough. It's so easy to bring our petitions to God, but not so easy to just worship him for who he is through prayer. I can sing to him all day long, but worshipping him through prayer is different. Practically, it's easy for me to (in my mind) say a prayer and then check "pray" off my proverbial list. It's a control thing for me - I don't want to have to pray about things because I believe I can handle it.

What is it?
Like I said, a conversation - it doesn't have to be formalized or memorized, although those types of prayer aren't bad. Either way, it needs to be from the heart.

How do you pray spiritually? (I ask this because not everything of our faith is practical)
Well, if by spiritually, you mean like, in worship rather than asking God for things, see answer to #1.

What does scripture say about it and what examples are seen in scripture?
Anytime I think about prayer in scripture, I always think about the ways Jesus mentions in the Gospels. I think about how even He needed to take time away by himself to pray. I think about the prayers of the pharisee vs. the prayers of the humbled sinner. I think about the women with the issue of blood - she had all of her prayers answered with one touch. I guess I connect prayer in scripture with faith - it's better to pray about something when you have faith that God will do it.

Could our approach to it be all wrong? (un-answered prayer)
I know my approach is wrong at times. It's so easy to fall into this step-by-step mentality about prayer - a checklist, like I said before. I know I should pray for my family, my church, my friends, my needs, my faith, etc. But then it's just my, my, my...I guess we should allow God some room to speak in our prayers, and to put specific things on our hearts to pray about. Paul and I were discussing this as he was preparing to post these questions, and I know I don't allow God any space in my prayer life (or lack thereof) to speak to me...to commune with me...to conversate with me. Unanswered prayer is so frustrating, but I so easily forget that sometimes, I'm not dealing with unanswered prayer - I'm dealing with God answering my prayers in a different way than what I'm expecting. We need to remember that when God answers, it's rarely in the way we think we need him to.

Sometimes I hate being married to Paul because if something is on his heart or is affecting him, it begins to affect me, even if I don't want it to. ;)

Metamorpha Questions

Our new sermon series is called Metamorpha - it's all about the change we have to go through in our Christian walk. Paul is preaching 3/4 of the series, so I feel pressured, er, I mean, encouraged to blog about what's going on. (Lol...jk). He posted some questions on Safe Harbor's website, and asked those of us who have a personal blog to answer them. So here goes:

1) Looking back on your life, specifically after salvation, try to recall times where you realized or came to understand something about God that you misunderstood before (i.e. a time when you got a revelation about grace v/s works or about God’s unconditional love for you etc.). Now that you have that thought in your mind, write about it and tell how you came to realize the truth that you misunderstood before (that was when you threw down an altar).

The first real revelation I received about who God is was during my first year in Master's Commission. He revealed himself to me as Father. I had three dads growing up, so this was the initial area God had to break down for me - I was too used to seeing him as legalistic, angry and ready to get me.

2) How did you feel when you finally accepted the true image of God in that area of your life?

I felt more grace than I ever had before.

3) Is there a way that you see God, yourself, your role in His kingdom, etc. that you think God is trying to reveal truth to you in now? What is it? What do you think would help you get the courage to continue to tear that down?

Well, my view of myself is pretty messed up. So that affects everything else - my view of God, of his Church, etc. I'm actually starting counseling in a week for it, so I'm praying that God will use that to really dismantle my thought process about myself, and then I'll be able to see more clearly my place in the Kingdom.

4) Take some time to really be honest with yourself and answer the following question. What do you believe about God that you’re scared to admit to someone?

Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe in heaven. I know what I've been taught, and I know what the word says about our goal after this life, but I struggle with knowing for sure if it's all real or not.

A lot going on

Here's a new list, in no particular order:

• So, falling off a treadmill is not a fun experience, and yet, it's as if I had to go through this at least one time. Let's hope I don't have to go through it again. I find that talking about it makes it seem less embarrasing. Friday was not a good day. I rolled my ankle pretty badly, but it has since healed almost 100%, and I plan to hit the gym tomorrow morning. We'll see.
• The time change has kicked my tail this year...I don't really know why, but it has. Ugh.
• Paul has so much going on right now with school and the upcoming sermon series (which starts on Easter). He's kinda stressing out, which has the probability of stressing me out, and I don't really want that to happen. I need to remember to breathe...
• Speaking of breathing (out, specifically), I'm going to attempt to schedule an appointment with a counselor this week. This is something I've been praying/thinking about for a long time, and because I'm realizing what some of my triggers for anger and stress are, I'm also realizing that talking them out with someone who doesn't know me would really help me. I have a heart for counseling anyway, so I need to start practicing what I preach. What's more, it's paid for completely by the insurance from my job. There really isn't a reason to not go...oh, except for the fact that I feel like I should have my life together. But you know.
• We had a lot of good conversations this past weekend...both serious and not-so-serious. It was so good.
• Church was AWESOME yesterday. The Holy Spirit is really moving, and Nooma has been so enlightening for me. My prayer is that all of it will stick.
• I miss my brothers.
• Speaking of brothers, one of mine is getting married in 11 weeks. It seems like a lot, but it will fly by, and I have a bridesmaid's dress to fit into. Good times.
• Speaking of weddings, we are attending one the first weekend in April, in which I have to wear a bridesmaid's dress. Also good times.
• Did I mention I have to lose weight for both of these dresses? Not a lot for the one in April, but more for the one in May. Maybe I'm giving myself a complex.

Well, there's more going on in my head, but I don't feel like posting about it. Sigh.

I'm de-stressing

and it feels good. I'm really trying to work on this part of my life. I was reminded this past weekend that the only thing I have control over in life is my reaction (or response, whichever). And it really hit me. I need to remember that no matter what people do, how stupid, self-absorbed or f-ing crazy they are, I cannot control them. I can only control who I am and how I react to them. The worst part about this is traffic and stupid drivers - it's very easy for me to get stressed out about the fact that people are freaking idiots and think that driving 30 mph in the fast lane is ok. Sigh. But for the most part, the de-stressing has worked this week, and the new schedule has helped. I've gotten more sleep, I actually got up and went to the gym this morning, and I just feel better about life. It's funny how a small change like that can affect you. :) I still have the contentment thing to work on...but that's a more in-depth process. Right?

Now, if only losing weight was as easy...

Happy March!

So, it's March 1st. Yippee. :)

My parents arrived safely last night around 10:00pm, and we stayed up until after midnight. Needless to say, they were not ready for that, and we were up before they were this morning. Paul hurt his neck/back while working out yesterday, so there was some shifting and changing while trying to sleep last night, so although I'm feeling ok right now, I know I'm going to be sleepy later...oh well.

Our morning has been...interesting. Sometimes, my mom can stress me out because she interrupts when anyone is trying to talk, but my dad nipped that numerous times this morning (which just made me chuckle). We talked about so many things this morning - from moving, to kids, to my mom's pot use back in the day, to drinking, to my brother(s), to postmodernism, and ending on (Paul & Dad) talking about metaphysics. WHOA. Now, I'm sitting on my couch by myself for a minute, Mom is working on her Bible study (and possibly falling asleep) and Paul and Dad are on their way to get some lunch (late, yes). I'm making dinner tonight and Mike & Chris (goodfriends/neighbors) are coming to join us.

I think there were a few conclusions made this morning:

1. I think we are leaning towards not moving. This is somewhat disappointing, but as we went through the pros and cons (thanks to Dad), it just seems better for us at this time. It will be smarter financially and although it doesn't seem like it right at this moment, it will help us in moving forward to wherever God may want to take us. This, along with any other decision, is in God's hands, and He can change it when/if He wants.

2. My mom had three really good pregnancies. This makes me even more excited about having kids. I know my mom and I are two different people, but I'm praying that a lot of the aspects of her pregnancies flow right down to me (i.e. not being sick at all - except for the first month or so with me, and that was only because she ate huge breakfasts).

3. I'm convinced that I'm already my mom. Sigh. I figured it would take longer than this, but I was wrong. It's not a bad thing, and we are different in a lot of ways, but as far as the basics, we are the same.

4. I need to lose weight. (Ok, this isn't necessarily from this morning, but it's been heavy on me for a couple days now.)

I'm sure there's more, but I can't think anymore right now. One update is that I'm changing shifts at work - to 9-6. This will hopefully reduce my stress (more sleep and time in the morning to work out), and I'm always in need of a change. Just pray that I don't kill the aforementioned co-worker - we will now be on the same shift. However, my team leader and I talked about it yesterday, and we plan on talking to our supervisor about possibly having him moved. I realized that he's a trigger for my stress, and although I know I need to handle it better, I still don't need that kind of influence during a work day where I already hate my job. Okay.

Have a great Saturday everyone...er, what's left of it. ;)

I've been tagged

HERE'S HOW YOU PLAY. ONCE YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED YOU HAVE TO WRITE A BLOG OF TEN WEIRD, RANDOM THINGS, FACTS OR HABITS ABOUT YOURSELF. AT THE END, YOU CHOOSE TEN PEOPLE TO BE TAGGED, LISTING THEIR NAMES AND WHY YOU CHOSE THEM TO BE TAGGED. DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT "YOU'RE IT" AND TO READ YOUR BLOG. YOU CAN'T TAG THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU. SINCE YOU CAN'T TAG THAT PERSON BACK, LET HIM OR HER KNOW WHEN YOU'VE POSTED YOUR BLOG SO HE OR SHE CAN READ YOUR ANSWERS.

(Although I'm not tagging 10 people because I don't have ten people to tag. Megan took them all.)

1. I have a true passion for pizza. I promise, I could eat it every day for both lunch and dinner (I'm not a cold pizza person, or I would add breakfast to that list).

2. My car has swinging vents in it - gotta love a Mazda. It's what sold me on the car. Seriously.

3. I bite my nails a lot, and it's not a nervous habit (much to my mother's chagrin).

4. My first job was at a thrift store in a ghetto suburb where the women who bought things (after bargaining with me to lower the price on a $.25 item) took the money out of their bras. I was 15.

5. I need a haircut. And Shana thinks I'm OCD over my hair. (I guess that's two, but whatever.)

6. I hate surprises. (This is dangerous to post, but I'm running low on random right now.)

7. Sunset roses are one of my favorite flowers, but I'm too cheap to ever buy them.

8. My step-dad is 7 years (or 8, depending on the time of year) younger than my mom. But you would never believe it. Ever. There's a few running jokes about it - "Hey Lori (my mom), when Dan (my step-dad) was graduating from junior high, you were pregnant with Lynn! HA!" Yeah, it's weird.

9. I collect snowmen.

10. Philippians is probably my favorite book of the Bible.

I'm tagging Becky (because I want to know more about her), Shane (because he'll hopefully have interesting answers), Sam (because I'm pretty sure she'll do it), Jen (although I think she's done this recently - and because I LOVE her randomness), and Marie (because I should know some random stuff about her before she moves back down here to the Ham).

It's 8:38am

and once again, I'm at home. I'm telling you - this sickness will be the death of me. Thanks be to God, I am feeling better. But the medicine that the doctor put me on (after sitting at the clinic for 3.5 hours) makes my head feel like it weighs 80 pounds and like I'm drunk. Hence, no driving. I feel like my supervisors think I'm a wuss, but I really don't care. I just know that if I went in, I'd end up leaving again because I wouldn't be able to focus on my computer screen. Plus, the headache is still there...it's the same one...just likes to come and go whenever it feels like it. The doctor was good, though...very thorough. He's new to me, but is the doctor for almost everyone in Paul's family, so I figured he was a good choice. He's also pretty up-to-date on new medicines and procedures, including heart-related stuff, which I need. It all worked out and my mom is now freaking out a bit less. Ah, mothers...they're crazy!

I feel like I need to be more productive in life, but I just don't care. I guess my laziness gets the better of me, and I don't want to change. I'm in this weird place in life...expecting God to move and do more in our lives, and yet, straying away from it because part of me doesn't want to change. Paul and I try to plan our lives so that no matter what we decide, God ultimately has the control and can change anything at any time. I like living my life that way, but my selfish, sinful nature takes me away from that a lot. I was trying to explain the CONSTANT battle that goes on in my head/heart to my mom yesterday - not the best idea. But it was good because I was really honest with her. Let me explain: a lot of times, when I'm talking to her about life here, Paul, his family, work, etc., it almost seems as if she sides with all things Alabama rather than really seeing my side of the story. And that pisses me off to high heaven. So I told her that yesterday - and she was (somewhat) understanding. I told her that sometimes, I just need her to be on my side and not anyone else's. (Once again, I guess that's selfish). And she said that I already have her on my side, and that she just tries to make me think along other lines. I told her that I'm ridiculously anal retentive about seeing things from all angles - that's what makes me so incomparably self-aware. Because it's true - whenever a thought enters my mind or a decision presents itself, I am constantly trying to see it from any and all angles. To a fault. But I guess I'd rather fault on that side than on the side of inconsistency and pure indulgence. Eh...who knows.

So now I have to turn the computer off because it's hurting my head. Like whoa.

It's 10:19pm

and I'm still awake and not feeling good. As I told Paul, I'm teetering between feeling really shitty and feeling fine, and that sucks. I left work around 2:00 today because my temperature was slowly rising and I had one of those kinds of headaches that felt as if my head was going to split wide open and my brain was going to fall out and make a huge, bloody mess. Sorry for the graphic-ness, but that's how it felt. And four Advil didn't help all that much - I still had to sleep for 3 hours when I got home to get it to remotely go away. I then had an awesome conversation with my brother - it lasted over an hour, and in case you were wondering, yes, we're both big talkers. Lol...

Paul went to prayer tonight, and just got home. I watched "The Jane Austen Book Club" and it was great. I'm hopefully going to the doctor tomorrow to see what's going on. And now, I'm still tired. Just as a note, my birthday sucked for the most part (for those of you who didn't know, it was yesterday). It was an emotional weekend to begin with (I was severely missing my family) and although church was great, the rest of the day was...not so great. I don't like making a big deal of birthdays at all, but the emotionalism of the weekend just ruined it for me. I got to see "27 Dresses" on Saturday, and that was good. Paul is an awesome husband, and tries really hard to empathize with me about being so far from home, and I was stupid and we fought about it. We're fine now, but it just messed things up yesterday. Oh, and his family is a bit crazy. So yeah...my faith in birthdays is diminishing rapidly. I guess that's what happens when you get older...

OK, my bed is calling. Love to all...

I'm loathing

work today. People are annoying (because it's Friday), they're loud (and I've been dealing with a migraine all day) and one of my co-workers may very well die soon (because I might kill him). This week has been an overly-stressful week for me, and unfortunately, I don't have a good reason for it. I think I'm allowing myself to get stressed out more and more easily...I think I may need some "special" medicine (i.e. anti-anxiety). Like whoa. And for the first time in my life, I actually have somewhat of a break-out on my face. Ugh.

On a more positive note, I was so uplifted and encouraged by Jen today. Her self-awareness is so great (and makes me feel like I'm not so weird) and the calling that her and Alan have on their lives is awesome. The best part is that they're walking out their faith for their future and the future of a very special little boy - William. I'm so proud of them for being who they are and not being ashamed of what God has called them to do. It makes me think about my life, and how I need to be pushed to move in the right direction sometimes. God is so good, and I need to live that.

Only 4 more hours of work...only 4...the time on these posts is way off...

I love my husband

but this class may be the death of us. HA! JK. But seriously...the class is called Current Issues in Theology, and it's pretty intense. He has to write a paper every week, be involved in a threaded discussion online with the people in the class, lots of research, etc., and I think he may be getting a tad overwhelmed. He's currently doing research for a paper about who the Holy Spirit is, and he's reading some of the stuff he's found out loud to me, and it's making my head hurt. LOL. Hopefully, it will turn out the way he wants. But if you find a minute, prayers for Paul would be great!

I don't know why, but I'm in a blogging mood lately. I guess now that I'm feeling better, my mind is more clear and my heart is lighter. Kinda. I went back to the gym today for the first time in two weeks, and although I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow, it felt really good. I was really proud of myself because even though I've been out of the groove for two weeks, I was still able to do 50 minutes of cardio without feeling like I was going to die. :) I'm learning (finally) that being happy with who I am is really the start of being happy in general. I've really hated on myself for my weight, but whether from weariness or from inspiration, I've decided that if I'm careful with what I eat (moderation) and I exercise when I can, then that's really all I can do. And I'm ok. Whoop.

So tattoo addiction may really a problem for me. Not really, but maybe. I just think they're an amazing expression and a beautiful art form, even if people get really dumb tattoos. I'm watching LA Ink right now, and a guy just got a tattoo of a Buddha on his stomach, to the point where his belly button was the Buddha's belly button. It's ridiculous, but still a personal expression of who he is. Not many art forms can say or do that in my opinion.

I am severely addicted to Solitare Race on AOL games. It's bad.

And Paul is still reading to me...my brain...is slowly turning...to mush. ;)

I made some changes

Hope they're asthetically pleasing to you! :)

It's Friday

and I feel a million times better - we purchased some Mucinex D, and I could breathe today!! :) It's like magic! Anyway, I was reading through some bloggage from some of the best people in the world, and it inspired me to write. First of all, tattoos and bookstores make me feel better about life. I have four tattoos now (and have at least three more in idea form currently), and I-don't-know-how-many books, purchased from numerous wonderful bookstores, and quite frankly, that makes me feel more relaxed and satisfied with life.

There are things that make me feel less-than-satisfied, though. Part of me feels like a failure because I didn't go to college. Part of me thinks I'm wasting my time at my job. A super really huge part of me wants to move because I feel like we'll be able to give more of ourselves to our church. Part of me struggles with EXTREME laziness and an addiction to the TV. So I'm basically gliding along in life...not making many waves or big decisions or moves. And that drives me CRAZY. I know God has things in store for us, but my impatience ruins me. I do feel like I'm growing, but is it in the right way? Am I gaining good things in my spiritual life?

I don't know the answers to these questions. And I have to be ok with that. It's hard, but it's necessary. Right?

I bought four pairs of [cheap] shoes today, and that purchase may or may not have included a pair of heels [ooooooh...]. And I bought the Sara Bareilles CD. [She's amazing, btw.] Also, it looks like the boy's camping trip was changed to next weekend [thanks Dave!] so Paul will be able to attend. Hopefully, I will get to spend some amazing time with the land owner's wife [a.k.a Megan].

I turn 25 in 9 days. It's affecting me more than I thought it would. And now, I'm headed to bed. Good night, all...

It's Tuesday

and once again, I'm sick. You know...I have never been as sickly as I am now and I believe it's because of my stupid job. I was discussing this with my supervisors before I got sick. I think it circulates through our air vents or something crazy. But man...I'm so over being sick. Ugh. Thank God I haven't gotten the flu or anything (knowing my luck, that will come later). Maybe I'm allergic to the office...

Anyway, life is good...here's a list of randomness for you:

1. Church is so great. Everytime we're there, we're continually reminded of the awesomeness that is Safe Harbor. The drive is killer sometimes, though, and I'm lazy...not a good combo.
2. I watched "Rent" today...I'm so ready for the play...it's going to be so much better. April 25th, baby...
3. I actually like American Idol. I'm watching it right now.
4. Paul started school this week - he's taking online courses right now through Crown College. His first class has something to do with issues in theology or something...I don't know. He seems interested, so that's all that matters. However, I was really looking forward to us having two laptops so we wouldn't be fighting over one, but the older one died on us a month or so ago. This school thing may be great for Paul, but it may suck for me. I'm selfish.
5. I've actually thought about college a lot lately. I wonder if it's something I need to do...
6. I love to cook. I made banana bread today and it is so good. I'm pumped about it.
7. Valentine's Day is so overrated, but I find myself sad that we won't really be doing anything for it this year. I'm such a sap.
8. I want a new car so badly. And it's not going to happen.
9. I'm so ready to move, it is ridiculous. That may happen, but who knows when...
10. My parents are coming to visit on Feb 29th for the weekend. I'm ready for it. I'm just glad it worked out because otherwise, I would have had to wait until May. I think the guys from church were planning on camping that weekend, but Paul has graciously said he would hang out with my parents instead. He loves me...
11. My head feels like it weighs 80 pounds. UGH. And UGH again.

I'm going to eat more banana bread...and watch my favorite night of television - AI, House and LA Ink. Whoop whoop...