God's will

Ever wonder about God's will? I do. A lot. Especially when I'm crying out, or screaming in anger, or weeping for someone else...when I'm emotionally involved in life, and I don't know why in the world certain things happen. I question it all the time. Maybe that makes me unfaithful, but I believe God is ok with our doubts - the Truth isn't scared, ya know? I just know that right now, in my heart of hearts, the only thing I want in this life is God's will for it. Now, this causes me to fear what may come because sometimes, I suck at making decisions, and I fail those I love. This causes me to worry because I'm human, and that's the one area where God doesn't have full control. This causes me to be (minimally) excited because I know there is a prospect (or there are prospects) of change and new and different in the future. I read something today about taking risks. The author spoke of the parable of the talents mentioned in Matthew 25:14-28 and how the third, wicked servant was treated. He buried his talent instead of taking a risk, and he was thrown out of his master's house into darkness. The author than expounded to say that we are like the wicked servant if we're not using the talents God gave us, etc. Now, I know that's a bit of an extreme, but that's exactly how I've been feeling lately. It's so hard for me to think about the possibility of never using my true talents in my job...and yet, here I stand.

God, I want YOUR will, not mine. I believe, but help my unbelief. I need you...

I'm weak

I couldn't think of a better title...but it is true. Anyway...I figured there should be an update. I have a few pretty major (well, major to me) prayer requests:

• The doctors in Chicago seem to think that my grandma may have Alzheimer's. She hasn't completed all of the tests yet, and to think about that subject truly makes me sad, so we're just praying right now. We're not sure of her salvation either, so that makes this even heavier. She's just really...spacey, for lack of a better term. It's hard for her to complete sentences if she's even remotely distracted, she doesn't sleep very well, she forgets things pretty frequently, and when in a group setting (family parties, mostly) she just sits there, not talking to anyone. Being in Chicago for my brother's wedding was a joyous time, but so sad.
• My mom's cousin has cancer. I think I blogged about this before, but either way, it's hard. As far as I know, she's doing chemo and radiation every week - the doctors said that because the cancer is so aggressive, they need to be. I haven't gotten an update lately...I need to call my mom.
• Hard times at AutoTec. I couldn't post about this until today for privacy reasons, but on Friday, we found out that our company is stopping the Membership project. I've blogged about this before - it was a campaign to charge every representative/dealership in our system a fee to lessen the fees to our customers, the auctions. Well, the biggest auction group in the country (Manheim) pulled out. Because of this, we couldn't possibly ask the other auctions groups in the country to keep pressing the fees. Of course, this causes me to worry for a few reasons: 1) the raises that were promised at the beginning of this thing are going to be a lot harder to come by (I'm not saying impossible, but you know...) and 2) the extra job positions that they were going to create were specifically for the Membership project stuff. This is the main reason I was staying here - I was told that I was first up to move to a different position once the initial push of the campaign was done. However, now, I'm not so sure what the heck is going to happen. I'm not leaving any time soon, because I think that would be a really crappy thing to do to the company right after getting kicked in the preverbial face, but I may be updating my resume, just in case.
• I have zero motivation to do anything. The gym is pretty much out, along with WW. I sleep a lot, and the rest of the time, I feel tired. The migraines are still around. I try to get up and pray in the mornings, especially because I feel like a total loser not going to the gym, so I figure I should be doing something productive. But that only lasts for so long and then I'm playing on my computer. I have to preach in a week and a half, and although I know the scripture passages that I'm preaching out of, I don't feel anywhere near prepared. I'm excited about the women's ministry starting up at our church, but I feel oddly disconnected from it currently. I'm so happy that one of the guys on the worship team has stepped up to be our leader, but I'm not praying for him like I should be. I keep telling myself that it's just me, but I truly believe that the enemy has something to do with all of it. UGH.
• I'm trying to figure out my stance on alcohol (Paul seems pretty set on it, I guess) and it's hard. I'm in the middle of a teaching by Mark Driscoll about it, and he's all for drinking biblically - not getting drunk, etc. And I'm for that too. I'm just afraid I don't know my boundaries anymore...

So anyway, these are just a few of the things that weigh on me pretty much everyday. I would totally appreciate your prayers!

On a more positive note, a few things: our yard sale last Saturday was AWESOME! We made over $200. I got to eat lunch with one of the most awesome people in my life today. Erik is coming out to H-town on Friday for dinner - we'll be discussing the possibility of Paul and/or me preaching to his youth kids this month. And I FINALLY purchased what will be my new favorite shirt - it should be here in a few days. Also, we started on the new closet organizer for the new office closet, and soon, we'll have our new desk put together. :) You always have to look for the positives!

Psalm 16

This is giving me strength today...

Psalm 16 (NIV)
1 Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.