How do I...

concentrate? One of my aunts (who is technically my second cousin, but we all call her our aunt) died yesterday from cancer. Paul and I will be flying up to Chicago tomorrow at some point for the services. There are just so many thoughts running through my head right now...not just about that, but about life in general, or the lack thereof. Geez...I can be ridiculously selfish sometimes. And I take life and everything I have for granted so often. And her death hasn't even really hit me yet. I guess because it happened so fast - within 6 months - that I can't truly fathom that she's gone.

The other big thing that I'm dealing with is my physical health. I don't know what's wrong, and it really could be nothing at all, but I have a lot of symptoms that I'm just not ok with. Symptoms including (but not limited to): major fatigue, heart palpatations (if that's what you could call it), soreness in a few different places, etc. Needless to say, I need to go see my doctor. Hopefully that will happen later this week when we get back from Chi-town. I hate cliches, but the one that says "when it rains, it pours" is and has always been pretty much true for me. Also, money is way sparce at the moment. I hate being sick, which I have been a lot lately, especially because if I have to take time off of work, it's without pay currently, so I've pretty much screwed us over for the next month and a half. Awesome. Right before Christmas.

This may sound silly, but it all makes me think about Luke's sermon from yesterday - if you didn't get to hear it, you need to. It stepped on my toes a little, but mostly, it was a pleading challenge to my heart...when will you have faith? When will you trust that I (God) am in control, whether you want me to be or not? When will you understand that your faith should be uncontrollable (in a good way)? When will you act out of bravado and not self-absorbtion? I know I'm hard on myself A LOT. It's a natural reaction for me. But this isn't that - it's more of a cry from God's heart to mine. And man, I am not dealing with it well. Not well at all.

However.

I'm going to focus on being thankful for a moment, so indulge me.

• I'm thankful for causal day at work today and tomorrow (if I'm here). Especially because I am in a bright green hoodie today, which makes me happy.
• I'm so ridiculously thankful for my husband. He makes every day worth it.
• My gratitude for the friendships I have around me is unexplainable. I never thought we'd be surrounded by so many amazing friends.
• Even though the reason is sad, I'm glad I get to see all of my family this week.
• I'm thankful that even though money is tight, we can trust a God who has already proven his faithfulness time and time again.
• I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the car(s) I'm able to drive, a job that pays me, a family that loves me, friends who know me and love me anyway, and a faith in a God who will keep me afloat.

Now, if I could just focus on work...