Broken

I should have known that there was something wrong with me when I didn't create ANY to do lists this week or last. I should have known that something was coming...and yet, I was blind. But God has taken up most of my thoughts these two weeks, which admittedly is not a lot in comparison to the rest of my life. I just find myself broken today. There are times when I feel like a loser (like yesterday, for instance), times when I'm down on my physical self, times when I cry a lot for no reason, etc. But today, it's truly brokenness. And that's hard. I guess you come to the point at times where you realize how truly selfishly motivated you are. How hypocritical you are. How lost you are. The point where you don't think you have any more tears, and then a fresh batch pours from your eyes without control. (FYI, it sucks when that's happening at work.) And even though it may be ironic and selfish, I find it appropriate that I feel like this on 9/11.

I've been in counseling for a while now, and have been on anti-depression meds as well. But I don't think it/they are helping. All I feel is anxiety - this all-consuming, painful, paranoid anxiety. It keeps me from moving sometimes. So does fear. Fear that I'm going to seriously screw up my life. Fear that I'm not going to be what I need to be to Paul as a wife, or to my future children as a mom. Fear that I will be in a place I hate forever. Fear of trusting, loving, breaking. Fear of giving up all that you know to have that true faith in a Savior who has done more for me than anyone ever has or ever will. That faith you read about. That people are willing to write about because it is that influential. A faith that isn't consumed by the day-to-day. Faith that spits in the face of fear, not out of superiority or pride, but because it knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that He's bigger. I sing about it on Sunday mornings. I preach about it to the Church. I pray it in the prayers I pray, even if it's in just a whisper. I even have it tattooed on my body. But do I really know it? Do I fully trust that God is everything He says He is? I don't have that kind of faith.

There are plenty of times where I'm hard on myself for no reason - where I'm being self-critical, which is not healthy. And this may look (and feel) like one of those times, but it's not. I think it's me seeing even more of what God has been trying to show me for the past 6 months or so. My being overwhelmed and stressed is not a challenge for Him. It's what He wants me to give Him. To hand it over...to cast it on Him because of His kindness towards me.

And that's it. I'm out of words. But there's a quote that keeps pressing it's way onto the hurting parts of my heart, and the tired parts of my head. God, make this so in me:

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent."