Happy Halloween!

Yaaaar Matey! A'hoy!!!

How do I...

concentrate? One of my aunts (who is technically my second cousin, but we all call her our aunt) died yesterday from cancer. Paul and I will be flying up to Chicago tomorrow at some point for the services. There are just so many thoughts running through my head right now...not just about that, but about life in general, or the lack thereof. Geez...I can be ridiculously selfish sometimes. And I take life and everything I have for granted so often. And her death hasn't even really hit me yet. I guess because it happened so fast - within 6 months - that I can't truly fathom that she's gone.

The other big thing that I'm dealing with is my physical health. I don't know what's wrong, and it really could be nothing at all, but I have a lot of symptoms that I'm just not ok with. Symptoms including (but not limited to): major fatigue, heart palpatations (if that's what you could call it), soreness in a few different places, etc. Needless to say, I need to go see my doctor. Hopefully that will happen later this week when we get back from Chi-town. I hate cliches, but the one that says "when it rains, it pours" is and has always been pretty much true for me. Also, money is way sparce at the moment. I hate being sick, which I have been a lot lately, especially because if I have to take time off of work, it's without pay currently, so I've pretty much screwed us over for the next month and a half. Awesome. Right before Christmas.

This may sound silly, but it all makes me think about Luke's sermon from yesterday - if you didn't get to hear it, you need to. It stepped on my toes a little, but mostly, it was a pleading challenge to my heart...when will you have faith? When will you trust that I (God) am in control, whether you want me to be or not? When will you understand that your faith should be uncontrollable (in a good way)? When will you act out of bravado and not self-absorbtion? I know I'm hard on myself A LOT. It's a natural reaction for me. But this isn't that - it's more of a cry from God's heart to mine. And man, I am not dealing with it well. Not well at all.

However.

I'm going to focus on being thankful for a moment, so indulge me.

• I'm thankful for causal day at work today and tomorrow (if I'm here). Especially because I am in a bright green hoodie today, which makes me happy.
• I'm so ridiculously thankful for my husband. He makes every day worth it.
• My gratitude for the friendships I have around me is unexplainable. I never thought we'd be surrounded by so many amazing friends.
• Even though the reason is sad, I'm glad I get to see all of my family this week.
• I'm thankful that even though money is tight, we can trust a God who has already proven his faithfulness time and time again.
• I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the car(s) I'm able to drive, a job that pays me, a family that loves me, friends who know me and love me anyway, and a faith in a God who will keep me afloat.

Now, if I could just focus on work...

4 pounds and counting!

WOO-HOO!!! So I'm pretty amazed at the whole Atkins thing. I've heard that this is pretty much how it works for most people, but to me, this is great. It's been a week, and I've lost a little over 4 pounds (I say a little over because I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I know I lost at least a few more ounces...)! It does suck pretty badly - I can't tell you how many times I've said out loud how much I want a piece of (or a whole) cake to whoever will listen. But so far, I've survived watching people at work eat stuff in front of me (i.e. fried chicken, shells and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken cordon bleu (sp?), etc...and that's just one person...), and I told Paul that I wasn't going to punish him by making him eat only what I eat - he needs the carbs with as much physical work as he does. So he had pizza rolls and a PB&J for dinner last night. Which I didn't have to make for him - he's such a big boy! ;) I guess that's one plus - making dinner is not as involved as it was before - grilling a steak, throwing a salad together, steaming veggies in my wonderful PC (Pampered Chef) steamer, baking chicken...super easy. It's the carbs that are a bit more complicated - casseroles (which aren't hard, but can be time consuming), rice (I've always sucked at making rice), pasta (also not hard, unless you're doing something fun with it...and I have to do something fun with it), etc. I have had to take some Benefiber with this diet, though, because of all the cheese. LOL. And I've tried some of the Atkins stuff - their shakes and snack bars. I've been pretty surprised, actually...they're not the best tasting things in the whole world, but better than a lot of things I've tried.

The things I miss the absolute most right now are pasta and ice cream. I bought some low carb pasta sauce and the Smart Taste pasta from Ronzoni to try after the Induction phase is over. I just have to remember portion control. I'm going to start walking with one of my BFF's tomorrow (hopefully), and I'm actually semi-excited about it. I'm finally doing something just for me, and I think that's helping me to stay motivated.

Other than dieting, life is good! We had a great weekend - we hung out with wonderfully good friends, bought a new washer and dryer (which are amazing - you should come over and try them), had a great service on Sunday, and have plans for more awesome things this week. You know...God is so good. Even when we're in this stage of "growing up" and discipline, He brings joy in so many randomly beautiful ways. I just hope I can keep up the positivity.

A new blog! Whoa!

I know, I know. It's bad. I am almost on the same plane as others who have thought about giving up their blogs. It's time consuming, but I think I should keep it for now. Anyway...

Here's an update:

• We preached a youth retreat this past weekend for the Southern District of the C&MA. It was awesome! I think better than we had originally thought it would go. Paul and I both shared throughout the weekend, and got to really reach out to these kids. There were a bunch of leaders too, and we got to have some awesome convos. We definitely aren't called to youth ministry, but this is definitely the type of thing we would be up for again. Erik did an awesome job planning it, and Luke was such an awesome support for us. Smiles all around.
• I started Atkins yesterday. It's going to be hard, but I'm finally doing something for me, and not for anyone else. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going hardcore with it, but definitely trying to cut down on my carb levels. It's gotten out of control. I made omelets tonight that about rocked my face off. It's definitely gotten me back into cooking, which is awesome.
• I heart Christian Bale. Sorry, we're watching Batman Begins.
• I am loathing laundry right now. I'm usually totally ok with doing it, but I'm not a fan this week.
• Can you believe it's already October 7th? Geeeez.
• So I stopped counseling and the behavior meds I was on. I sincerely feel like God used them for a time, and made sure I knew when that time was up. It's actually a really peaceful thing. Paul and I both feel like God has been telling us that it's time to grow up lately...not necessarily in specific areas, but in general. For me, it's more of letting go of my selfishness, and for Paul, it's more of letting go of insecurity. We're looking forward to the future, but we're not so super focused on it now. We're trying to make decisions using wisdom...decision that will affect our future, whether short term or long term. It's kinda exciting.
• One of those decisions is to get a dog in the not-so-distant-future. No, we're not using it as practice for a kid. The Benz's may have influenced us a tad, though... ;)
• I'm so pumped about what God is doing around us right now. New things going on at church, new relationships being built, new gifts being searched out, new peace about the crappy things in life (aka my job), etc. God is soooo good, dude!

Yay for a blog! YAAAAY!

YAY!

On a FAR more positive note...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!!

We love you!

:)

Broken

I should have known that there was something wrong with me when I didn't create ANY to do lists this week or last. I should have known that something was coming...and yet, I was blind. But God has taken up most of my thoughts these two weeks, which admittedly is not a lot in comparison to the rest of my life. I just find myself broken today. There are times when I feel like a loser (like yesterday, for instance), times when I'm down on my physical self, times when I cry a lot for no reason, etc. But today, it's truly brokenness. And that's hard. I guess you come to the point at times where you realize how truly selfishly motivated you are. How hypocritical you are. How lost you are. The point where you don't think you have any more tears, and then a fresh batch pours from your eyes without control. (FYI, it sucks when that's happening at work.) And even though it may be ironic and selfish, I find it appropriate that I feel like this on 9/11.

I've been in counseling for a while now, and have been on anti-depression meds as well. But I don't think it/they are helping. All I feel is anxiety - this all-consuming, painful, paranoid anxiety. It keeps me from moving sometimes. So does fear. Fear that I'm going to seriously screw up my life. Fear that I'm not going to be what I need to be to Paul as a wife, or to my future children as a mom. Fear that I will be in a place I hate forever. Fear of trusting, loving, breaking. Fear of giving up all that you know to have that true faith in a Savior who has done more for me than anyone ever has or ever will. That faith you read about. That people are willing to write about because it is that influential. A faith that isn't consumed by the day-to-day. Faith that spits in the face of fear, not out of superiority or pride, but because it knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that He's bigger. I sing about it on Sunday mornings. I preach about it to the Church. I pray it in the prayers I pray, even if it's in just a whisper. I even have it tattooed on my body. But do I really know it? Do I fully trust that God is everything He says He is? I don't have that kind of faith.

There are plenty of times where I'm hard on myself for no reason - where I'm being self-critical, which is not healthy. And this may look (and feel) like one of those times, but it's not. I think it's me seeing even more of what God has been trying to show me for the past 6 months or so. My being overwhelmed and stressed is not a challenge for Him. It's what He wants me to give Him. To hand it over...to cast it on Him because of His kindness towards me.

And that's it. I'm out of words. But there's a quote that keeps pressing it's way onto the hurting parts of my heart, and the tired parts of my head. God, make this so in me:

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent."

Monday Monday

So Shana and I are in the same boat - we have lost the blogging fever. It's kinda sad, actually. I thoroughly enjoy reading other blogs, but seem to find no time to update my own. Well, here's a list to get me going:

• I have had a very rude yet needed awakening over the past couple weeks. Let's just say I was punked by my supervisor at work, and it has filtered into the rest of my life. I'm trying to rid myself of the negativity that I am so prone to feeling, and although it's tough, I know it's a process, so I'm going to keep moving forward.
• I haven't said it in a minute, so I'll say it now - I LOVE our church. Each person has their own place there, and even when you feel disconnected (which I have here lately), it only takes one service or one meeting or one dinner to make everything better. I wish I could hang out with everyone all week long...ah, if we only lived closer.
• Luke has been preaching on a sermon series about personal spiritual formation over the past couple weeks. The sermon yesterday spoke about how we are and should be conforming to the image of Christ, and not the images we have contrived for ourselves, but the true, biblical image of the Son of God. It was really powerful. It's yet another reminder that I am and will never acheive perfect in this life, so I have to stop expecting it of myself.
• God has really been convicting me of my speech lately. I understand the legalism behind all of it, and I think I've steered far enough to the other extreme. It's time to start catching those bad words before they come out of my mouth. Our women's group meeting last night really hit this home for me - we were discussing the attribute of being virtuous (from the Proverbs 31 woman), and I realized that my speech is no where near that. I know that even this is a process, but it's been a sucker punch to the face everytime I think about.
• I had a very ironicly (sp?) cool Jesus moment last week. In response to all of the stuff going on at work, I decided that posting some positive things around my cubicle would be a good start. Shana had reminded me of a verse about not complaining, and I decided to look it up and put it on my computer screen so I would see it every day. When Bible Gateway pulled up the reference, I about fell out of my seat. The reference is Philippians 2:14-16, which just so happens to be tattooed on my left ankle. I, of course, remember the portion about shining like stars, but have since forgotten the beginning of the passage. I laughed out loud at God's sense of irony and humor. Talk about your visual reminders.
• My excitement about the coming weekend waned today because there are supposed to be thunderstorms covering Destin, FL the whole time we're staying there. As much as I hate the beach part of the beach (the sand especially), it's still going to be very sad if it ends up raining the whole time. :( Hopefully it will be a good bonding experience for Paul's family, and I know there will be some good food and shopping involved, so it may turn out ok. AND I bought a couple bathing suit pieces that actually fit well. Thank you, Target!
• My excitement for the next weekend, however, has only grown since we bought our tickets to see Ben Folds play live with the Nashville Symphony. We're staying overnight and took that Monday off. I'm super pumped about this event, but even more because I will have three 4-day weeks in a row. YAY!
• Can you believe September is upon us? I think it's crazy that this year is flying by so quickly. Paul and I will be married 3 years on September 24th (hence the trip to Nashville), and although I'm excited about it, it feels like the time has flown...like we should be married longer than 3 years already. Sigh.
• I think I'm seriously going to start school in either January or next August. More to come on that front...
• And a new tattoo is inevitable before the end of the year. Boo-yah.

Hope all is well in the rest of the blogging world...drop a comment and say hi!