Hmm

Well, I have wanted to post for a while now, but I wasn't sure how to put what's going on into words. Get ready for some "real!" God has been doing some amazing things in my heart lately, and although the journey isn't over, at least I know I'm open to what He's doing. Finally. It's hard to come to certain realizations. It's hard to realize that I haven't been open to God's guidance. It's hard to realize that not only have I not been listening, I haven't wanted to. It's excrutiating to know that I've allowed my stubborn and frozen heart to affect my marriage and ministry. Paul is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me, and I was holding undeserved resentment and anger toward him. I have relied on common sense and logic so much that I've walked away from the path that God wants for me. I've only allowed God to affect me to a certain point...only to where I was able to manage it. Have I been in leadership with all of this in my heart? Yes. And at this point, in the past, I would be spiraling downward...not able to move past the negative aspects to even see the positive side.

But I'm not spiraling. I'm moving forward. It was rough last weekend, and I know the rough points will continue, but all in all, I know that God loves me, wants the best for me, and has surrounded me with the most amazing people. For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel these facts move from my brain to my heart. I can preach vulnerability and "real" until I'm blue in the face, but until I start truly doing it myself, nothing I say will be effective. I'm so appreciative of have the opportunity to be so open with a few of the people around me. I can't even begin to put into words the lessons I'm finally allowing God to teach me. I can name off all of the issues I have, but what would that help? I know in my heart that I need to be content...that is my main struggle. I think this will be a learning experience for me for a long time to come, but I believe prayer works. I know that everything else will fall into place if I let God be God in my heart and to accept His teaching me to be content. Do I suck? Sure...I'm human. Will this be a continual process? YES. But I feel encouraged and hopeful. For the first time in a long time. Thank you to the select few who were not only there for me, or asked how I was doing, but for the prayers, the support, the in-your-face advice, the listening ears. Love to you.

And I'm trying to get rid of the to-do lists... :)