...why should I hold you now?" (a line from "Never Take Friendship Personal" by Anberlin)
Disclaimer: I've had to say this in other blogs I've written - I appreciate anyone's feedback, but if you're going to give me a Sunday School answer (i.e. "pray about it", "God is always there", etc.), you can hold off for now. Thanks.
Sometimes, this is how I feel people see me. They think I'm super strong, can stand up to anyone or anything, and never have problems. Or, they think I'm extremely negative and sarcastic, so if I get out of control, helping me wouldn't be worth it. Well, to be totally honest, I don't like me. I don't like who I've let myself become. I don't like being negative - I promise, I wasn't always. I'm not sure if it's my attitude affecting everything else, or everything else affecting my attitude...probably some of both. But either way, it sucks. I have a great life - I'm 24 years old, I've lost 21 lbs. over the last 4 months so I'm feeling better than ever, I have an amazing husband, I own a house, my church has it's hang ups just like every other church, but God is moving an changing things, and Luke is a great pastor....but I still feel like the things my life revolves around aren't worth it. Does this make sense to anyone? I complain - I bitch, even - constantly. That's not good. At all. I can't hold myself together...I can't. But what to do? I cry out to Jesus for help, but either He's being really quiet right now, or I can't hear Him.
Blah.
5 comments:
I've had some of the same struggles as of late. I blame young idealism ;)
What I'm learning about myself and how God interacts with me is that there is an ebb and flow of God's work in my life. Let me re-frame that: I don't always feel like God is working to the same extent all the time. It doesn't mean he's is or isn't, but it's a feeling.
For me when I feel like there is something off in my faith, often I've let my heart drift away from God unknowingly.
I say scream at God, he like it :) Have you ever had a shouting match with God? It's highly therapeutic.
Jeeze...maybe I should blog about this!
No, it's totally understandable...I've even cussed in prayer before just because there weren't words to describe how I was feeling at the time. (Don't worry..I didn't cuss God out or anything...)
Thanks for being real, Erik.
I agree with Erik. I go through phases when I almost hear God speaking to me, and then it's like He's silent and left me. He always comes back, sometimes it takes longer than you want it to. Like I will read some verses in the Bible and I know in my hear they should move me, and I feel nothing. Isn't that weird? But one thing that I have found that gets me closer to God is serving others. Offering encouragement to people, even when I feel isolated myself; praying even when I don't feel like God's listening. I know... the Sunday School answer. Sunday school is there for a reason, though, you know.
You're solid, even when you feel like liquid...you're solid where it counts...you're honest, with people but most importantly, with yourself and with God. We all have our moments...some lost longer than others....and it sucks, it sucks bad. But know this Lynn, there are a few out there that KNOW you! There are those who don't characterize you based on your shortcomings and focus ONLY on them and sew that description on you forever. And those who do, I know, are personally missing out on a great woman...one that I love dearly. :) I love you always, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BITCHY! That'll never change.
you LOOK amazing, by the way.
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