Click here to watch a man sing all about me. (Ok, it's about his wife, but he might as well be singing about me...)

LOL - I'm not that crazy, but I'm close!

Post #100!

This is a perfect topic for my 100th post...

Considering I've lost approximately 15 lbs. since January, and I'm committed to continuing, I've come up with my top 10 pros (not in any order) to losing weight. Of course there are cons, but I'm staying positive!

• Feeling better - I can't tell you how much better I feel physically right now. I've been up and down in my weight since highschool, and this is probably the best I've felt in a long time.
• Walking - I'm telling you, I was fully against walking (thanks to my mom...long story) prior to owning a dog. That's right...every time Nacho and I go walking, that old school Chicago song pops into my head... "You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration..." She definitely pushes me - I just know I'll feel guilty if I don't walk her, unless it's raining...
• My calves - I know that sounds silly, but they're my favorite part of my body. I've always had pretty beefy legs (from years of soccer when I was younger), but they're finally getting some actual shape back, instead of just being beefy. LOL.
• How clothes fit - It's kinda rough right now because I'm inbetween sizes, and although I don't have a specific size as a goal (being healthy is the goal), I can see and feel myself going down. I'm not ever going to be Barbie, and I'm finally starting to be happy with who I am and how I look, even in dresses! Just the fact that a lot of my clothes are big on me is good enough!
• Taking clothes OUT of the goodwill bag - HA! We donate to the thrift store at least a couple times a year, and in the past, it's been because clothes were too small for me, and giving them away made me feel a touch better about the situation. But now, I've been able to grab a couple things back out of the bag because they FIT!
• Having more energy - I know, I know...it's cliche, but it's so true! My appetite suppressant has helped a lot, but now I'm starting to feel that energy anyway.
• Food DOES NOT control me - This is huge. I'm an emotional/stress eater, which is why I got to the size I did. I was allowing my life to revolve around food, using the fact that I love it (cooking, experimenting, etc.) as my excuse. But now, I've allowed myself to feel hungry - something I was not used to. It's been very freeing. And I am continuing to work on not letting myself feel guilty if I go overboard every once in a while - it truly is all about moderation.
• Paul being "worried" about me leaving - JK! He did make that comment the other day, but I know he's not serious, and trust me, he has nothing to worry about. But to see him look at me differently, and notice how things are changing...he doesn't know how much that encourages me. I don't thank him enough for that.
• Size "Large" - Now this may seem kinda vulnerable, but it's the truth - I was super pumped to buy a dress in a size LARGE instead of XL. I was smiling so big at Wal-Mart (yeah, that's how I roll) that I'm sure the woman running the fitting room thought I was crazy. As a side note - smaller underwear is a HUGE plus too!! Sorry...TMI...
• Relying on God - This may seem off-topic, but when my doctor put me on the appetite suppresant originally, I was at the bottom. I knew I needed to change, but I was so lazy...I was afraid that nothing would happen, just like every other time I've tried, so what was the point? Now, I have specific goals, like getting the ol' bod ready for pregnancy...and no, nothing is going on in that area. I just know it's going to take a while, and I knew I needed to get started if I want to be remotely healthy when I do get pregnant. I have some great encouragement (especially from Nacho!), and I'm really starting to believe I can do it. It's a beautiful thing.

So - I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of right now. Do you have anything to add?

Meet our new baby!

This is Nacho. We adopted her last week from the Birmingham Humane Society. She's a 9 month old hound mix (mutt), and she's precious. Although we have had a hellish week with her this week, we are so happy to have her. She has gone through it this week - the vet found a mass in her stomach area last Saturday. The vet told us to keep an eye on the mass for a couple days, and if it didn't go away, to bring her in. It did not go away, so we brought her in on Tuesday - she got a full round of blood work and an xray, but that showed us nothing. The vet recommended talking to the humane society about possibly doing an exploratory surgery, considering the mass was closer to her private area, and it could be a side effect from her spay surgery. We tried calling yesterday, but with no luck. She wasn't eating or pooping normally throughout the week, and by yesterday morning, we found tape worms in her poop. BOO. As if that wasn't enough, she started bleeding a bit last night, as if she was in heat. Hence, more suspicion about her spay surgery and me losing it. Paul brought her to the humane society during lunch today, and the vet tech there decided to do another surgery to see what the mass is and/or if there were any problems with her spay. We've heard that the surgery went well and that Nacho is doing well, but we haven't gotten details on anything yet.

So within a week and a half and almost $400 later, God is giving us a glimpse of what it takes to be parents. LOL.

UPDATE: The vet @ the humance society finally called us back from her cell phone (bless her!) around 7:00ish on Friday night. She said that when they did Nacho's spay about a month ago, she had already started her cycle, so the amount of blood during the surgery was at a higher level than normal (sorry, that's probably gross). Anyway, because of that, the vet did two internal sutures instead of just one. Apparently, the first suture leaked into the second one and caused a clot of blood to form (not a blood clot, like we think of, but a pouch of blood). That's what the mass was, and that's why she started bleeding on Thursday night. We're super thankful that we brought her in when we did because the clot could have ruptured at any time, and would have caused her to hemmorage (sp?). Yikes!! They cleaned her out during the surgery, and used staples to make sure nothing happened when they sewed her up. PLUS they did the whole thing for free, and sent the medicine (anti-inflammatory and antibiotic) home for free as well. Thank you Jesus! Needless to say, when we got her back on Saturday, she was worn out and drugged up, so the weekend was pretty laid back in comparison to what we had planned. Our baby looks like Frankenstein, but we're thankful that she's ok! :)

Make me be STILL

You can tell how my week has been when you find out that I went to bed last night with an old Madonna song in my head and 3 to-do lists running, and I woke up this morning with a Ben Folds song in my head and 4 to-do lists running. *Sigh* It has been one of those weeks, and not just for me. I feel as though I'm surround by people who are frustrated with life, work, church, etc. People who are expecting more and aren't satisfied. People who are hurting because of loss, brokenness, physical pain. People struggling with doubt, fear, anger, and maybe even a bit of insanity (maybe that's just me...ha). I've experienced all of these things, and although I am the person I am today because of it, that doesn't take away the aching strain that life puts on us. This is why my devotion last night was so meaningful to me. It's taken from "The One Year Daily Grind" devotional by Sarah Arthur. This devotional has been awesome thus far...I would highly recommend it for people who are a bit scattered - people who can handle daily devotional readings without a ton of structure. (Sarah is a divinity student @ Duke, married to her best friend (Tom) and has written 6 devotional books...need I say more?)

It's a poem/prayer she wrote called "Make Me Be Still" based loosely on Psalm 131:

God, make me be still.

My mind is full of words and pictures
and ideas I imagine to be true.
My heart is full of desires
I wrongfully feel I'm entitled to.
My body is full of sleep
and cobwebs and dust.
My soul is empty.

Now I know that when
my rambling, fast-forward
high-powered mind
and my creative, unrealistic imagination
take over my life,
my relationship with You suffers.
And when my body is sleepy,
I'm not awake to Your presence.
When my soul is empty,
I have nothing to give to others.

So if my mind is taking over,
let my thoughts be full of you, Jesus.
And if my imagination is taking over,
let it be baptized and sanctified by you, Jesus.
And if my body is taking over,
may it be awakened and energized by you, Jesus.
And if my soul is empty,
pour in your Holy Spirit till I'm full to overflowing.
Be the conscious control
over every aspect of who I am,
for it is in You that I live
and move and have my very being.

Amen.

Dude!

I'm actually on YouTube! It's not the best performance by any means, but for those who were there, it was definitely a GOD moment. Our worship leader put up a few clips from the IMPACT Youth Retreat weekend...hopefully we can get some feedback or something. :)

Click here to see our cover of "We Are Broken" by Paramore. We're still looking for a name!

Update

So I'm not as bored now, I guess. LOL. Here's a general update:

• I love to-do lists. It's a sad thing that has been mentioned already on this blog, but I don't care. It helps me sleep to write stuff out. Sorry, I know that's random, but it's sitting here next to me and I was thinking about it...
• This past weekend was awesome! The youth retreat went so well...it was impacting for all of us, not just the kids. I was sick most of the weekend (and still am for the most part), but God pulled through in helping all of us sing/play. We had so much fun with the worship team...*sigh*. I love it. We are searching for a name, so if you have any ideas, let me know!
• We're so pumped to be moving to a new building for church. It's going to be a big change, but I feel like this is the change we have been needing for a while now. It's the first time I've felt so positive about the possibility of moving being discussed. And now it's not just being discussed, it's actually happening! We can't wait for March!
• This weather needs to even itself out. If it wants to be cold, it needs to stay cold. If it wants to be warm, it needs to stay warm. This isn't hard, Birmingham.
• We want a dog. Paul is really wanting one, even if he tells you otherwise. We almost adopted a puppy from a friend of a friend, but we haven't followed up on it, and I think it's a bit early yet. Paul wants to get the privacy fence done before we get one, but I don't know if it will work - he's so busy with school and church that his weekends are booked up. Oh well...I'm sure he'll work it out. He even has other people asking him for his advice on fences and such - I love that people are seeing his talents and encouraging him in them. It makes me happy. Anyway, we were thinking about a border collie, which would be great, but after watching a Dog Whisperer episode on a super angry herding dog, I'm not so sure...
• I'm ready for friends to come visit - I can't wait for good friends of old to meet good friends of present. :)
• I'm pumped about new movies coming out: He's Just Not that Into You, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Push, Race to Witch Mountain, Fast & the Furious (yes, I'm a nerd, but it has the original cast), Night at the Museum 2, etc.
• I'm loving the new devotional I'm reading through - the title has something to do with coffee and God, and I'm too lazy to go find it. Anyway, it's a college student writing it, and it's a bit random at times, but that works for me. And it's helping me actually read something in the Bible every day. It makes me happy.
• I totally forgot to post about tattoo #5 in my last couple posts! It's 'Freedom' in Greek from Galatians 5:1 on my left wrist. I'm happy to have both wrists done now...I have to get my other ankle done - the lack of symmetry is killing me.
• I'm also a bit obsessed with TV right now. We're into a few different shows...I have to watch myself or I'll start spending too much time with it. I think we might start getting into Heroes...IDK. We watch Chuck/possibly Heroes on Mondays, AI/Scrubs on Tuesday, and AI/Lie to Me on Wednesday. We don't really do anything on Thursday/Friday, but who knows...it could start.
• I'm sad - we were planning on going to Boston over July 4th, but I don't think it's going to pan out. It's really expensive, and it's coming up too quickly to fully plan it. I'm not sure what we'll do, but I already have the vacation time scheduled - maybe we'll start training a dog that week!
• I think my parents and my grandparents (mom's side) are coming down in April. It's exciting and sad at the same time - it'll be the first and most likely the last time my grandparents will be down here. My grandma's situation is a long story right now, but let's just say it's going downhill. I hate bittersweet emotions.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Props to me for blogging a bit more regularly! :)

Do you ever just get bored?

That's how I feel today...bored. Really bored. I'm not complaining - I'd rather be bored having a job than not having a job. But really...I just wonder when this part of my life will be over. And it probably won't be for a while. *sigh*

Maybe all of this deep contemplation is due to me watching My So-Called Life...the complete series. Ha. Too bad my Jordan Catalano is painting cars right now... ;)

Oh, and I heart Activia yogurt. Seriously. It's probably not the best thing to be eating with my sinuses being all jacked up and my throat all irritated, but whatever. Sorry for the randomness. Maybe I'll blog about something real later...

Whoa...it's been a while

I didn't realize that it's been almost two months since I've posted anything, and the last thing to be posted was a survey. I'm a loser. Anyway, the past two months have been busy ones - here's a brief update:

• Spent Thanksgiving with Paul's family - super fun, let me tell you.
• Watched Alabama kill Auburn. :)
• Watched Alabama get killed by Florida. :(
• Spent Christmas (well, part of the week prior to) on a Disney Cruise with my dad's whole family. It was so much fun...seriously. I would recommend it to anyone who has kids (and even those who don't).
• Spent Christmas weekend with my family in Chicago - snow, family, good food, good times.
• Paul started back to school, including doing an internship with church - don't worry, he's basically been doing all of it already, so it's not much different than normal life @ SHC for us. Which is a good thing.
• I logged onto MySpace for the first time since October or November and cleaned it out. That was crazy.
• Had an amazing time at Worship @ Workplay.
• Spent this past weekend back in Chicago for an extended family Christmas party - this was with the family of the cousin who passed away in November. Sad, but still very good.

*Sigh* OK. Now that the update is officially done, here's what on my heart currently:

Marriage/Family: We are surrounding by marriages that are falling apart, even before they even had a chance to get off the ground. We're also surrounded by marriages that are falling apart after almost 30 years. It's truly unbelievable to me, but at the same time, I have to remember that life isn't going to get better or easier as we get closer to Jesus coming back. I know that sounds super spiritual, and trust me, I'm not one to talk about end times (that's a whole other blog...), but more and more, I am reminded that the things of God will be attacked the hardest before He comes back. I can't deny that it's started. Our hearts are broken by these broken marriages, homes, families, hearts...I almost can't put it into words. I have, however, taken all of this as a sign for me to be praying the blood of Jesus over my marriage, and those around us that are holding strong. I can't imagine my life without Paul, and God knows I'm not going to lose him without a super hard fight, no matter what may come. When God orchestrates something like marriage, I believe it's harder for the enemy to fight it. God knew what He was doing when HE created marriage, and I'm not going to stop believing that now, even in the face of the Church looking as bad as (or worse than) the world.

Church: People leaving, drama, miscommunication, lack of communication, heartache, people being stretched almost too thinly (in more ways than one)...GAH. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that God has a plan, and I'm going to try my darndest to keep faith even when other people won't. Paul and I fell in love with SHC over 2 years ago, and that love has not and will not die. Does that mean we're going to be at SHC forever? Probably not. But knowing that we are where we're supposed to be is HUGE. Being in a small church is hard, but as far as I'm concerned, we've been more rewarded by it than anything, and although the future is unclear, we are unashamed and moving forward. It's time to stop making excuses and start making progress, no matter how long it takes or how hard it is, and with God as my witness and prayer as my weapon...

New life: On a more positive note, we're so encouraged by new life, whether it's literal (as in a new baby or finding out someone is preggo), or it's spiritual (people fighting to let go of their past and to move forward with Jesus, or being saved - really saved - and giving up their lives to God). As you all know, I am a self-proclaimed control freak - I consider it my thorn. But I can't tell you how it encourages me to see other people giving up control about crap in their lives - surrender is attractive, and it's attracting me in the oddest ways. I feel like I am being pulled up out of the hole that has been my life for the past couple years, and re-embracing my life in Christ. It's a slow, hard thing, but so good. So, SOOOOO good. We're seeing it in people at church, friends near and far, the worship team (I'm smiling just thinking about that), in our marriage, our families, etc. God is so good, and He gets all the glory. Watch out...I'm about to get pentecostal in here! lol... In the midst of all the darkness, God is the light - I read about that on Sam's blog today, and it made me smile a huge smile! (Thanks for posting that, Sam!)

Coming events:

• FREE massage next week - not by Lindsey, but hopefully equally as good! Thank God for gift certificates!
• Winter Youth Retreat (1.30 - 2.1) - our worship team is leading worship for the kiddies at the retreat, and we are so pumped about it! :)
• Friends from Ohio coming for a visit (2.20 - 2.22) - woo-hoo!
• My birthday (2.24) - the big #26 lol...but I think we're going to Atlanta to see Ben Folds! YAY!

Survey time!

From Meg's blog, by way of Rachel's blog, by way of Andrea's blog...

Three names you go by:
1. Lynn
2. Babe
3. Lynnaford

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Green sweater
2. brown pants
3. Shoes

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. The long weekend to come faster
2. A dog!

Three people who will probably fill this out:
They already have...

Two things you did last night:
1. Ate cereal for dinner
2. Sat on my butt

Two things you ate today:
1. Banana bread muffin from my grandma
2. Moe's

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. The doctor
2. Paul

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Go to work
2. Go to the gym...I hope

Two longest rides you have taken:
1. From Hammond, IN to Phoenix, AZ
2. From Phoenix, AZ to New Orleans, LA

Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke
2. Woodchuck hard cider

Twilight

So...I'm disappointed. The movie was mediocre at best, and although I wasn't expecting it to be like the books at all, it was still very rushed, VERY cheesy in some parts, and there was a huge lack of character development. It ended leaving everything wide open for the second movie, so maybe they'll do better next time. Now these are just my opinions (and mostly the opinions of the 5 other girls I saw the movie with last night), so go see it to decide for yourselves. BTW - screw Edward (Robert Pattison) - he's not as dreamy as everyone made him out to be, and is pretty creepy in real life, along with Jasper (Jackson Rathbone)...like whoa. Emmet (Kellan Lutz - the big one on the left), on the other hand, can pretty much take me anytime (as long as he sticks to the dark hair - the blonde makes him look ridiculous), with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) as a close second (even more so when he's not jailbait).

8 things

I just now realized that Rachel tagged me...duh. So two posts in one day! HA - maybe I'll keep going...

8 Favorite TV shows:
1: Anything on HGTV
2: Anything on Food Network
3: Chuck
4: How I Met Your Mother
5: The Big Band Theory
6: LA Ink (even though I don't really watch it anymore...)
7: House
8: Jon & Kate Plus 8

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1: Zoe's Kitchen
2: Olive Garden
3: Newk's
4: Logan's
5: Surin West
6: New Chinatown (Southside)
7: California Pizza Kitchen
8: Macaroni Grill

8 things that happened yesterday:
1: I woke up at 5:15 and didn't want to get out of bed (like every morning)
2: Work
3: ate leftovers of an awesome casserole I made (oh so good)
4: came home and sat on my rear
5: made quesadillas and cheesy Mexican rice for dinner
6: watched bits and pieces of different shows on TV
7: Did some laundry
8: Had fun with the hubby ;)

8 things to look forward to:
1: IT'S THE WEEKEND
2: Bama football on Satuday! We're #1!
3: Thanksgiving
4: Cruise!
5: Christmas in Chicago!
6: Getting a week and a day of vacation the week of Christmas (and the Monday after)
7: Decorating for Christmas
8: Hanging with peeps (in general)

8 things I love about fall:
1: colder weather
2: fires
3: winter clothes
4: Christmas shopping
5: STUFFING! (YES - Rachel, I knew I loved you for a reason...)
6: Changing colors outside
7: decorating the house
8: A Christmas Carol service at church

8 things on my wish list:
1: A dog!!
2: New clothes
3: New bedroom stuff
4: New sheets
5: New books/movies
6: A new fence in the back yard
7: A dog!!!
8: Losing weight

8 people I’m tagging (but honestly don’t expect to do it if they don't want to):
1: Meg
2: Andrea
3: Chris
4: Erik
5: Marie
6: Shane
7: ??
8: ??

New look AND a new post!

Whoa! lol...

The new look is based on the shirt/cardigan I'm wearing today - all shades of blue. Green is by far my favorite color, but I like blue during the wintery months. Especially ice blue...sigh. It's soothing for me. And this week, I'm in need of some soothing. I dealt with a flat tire, almost losing my wedding ring (it was on my bed - Paul found it), and being bored out of my ever-loving mind. I hate feeling disconnected from people I love, so that's been a hindrance of sorts as well. I'm still on zero about the new hobby, but I'm challenged to do some research on volunteering in the Ham. We'll see. Also, Paul has been a bugger this week about having a good attitude. It seems like the times he says something about it are the times when I want to have the worst attitude possible. Ugh. Anyway...

We need to start Christmas shopping. We don't have money for it, but we need to start. I'm a bit worried that I won't get a Christmas bonus this year (yay, economy!), but even if I do, all of it needs to go towards paying off debt. I hate debt.

So I know I'm probably crazy, but I told my mother in law that I wanted to learn how to make chicken and dressing on Thanksgiving. I do want to learn how to make it (even if it will never compare to stuffing), but spending that much time with her on a holiday might drive me a bit nuts.

Sorry for the random nature of this post - it's 6:40am and I just needed to be random for a minute. Have a great day!

I need a hobby

So. I decided after a hard conversation with Paul last night that I need a hobby. I'm overweight, I have health problems (apparently), and I'm bored. I'm a typical American, right? I work 40 hours/week, and then I spend the rest of my days sitting on my rear. I watch TV, work/play on the computer, cook (sometimes), and have no want or need for kids anytime soon. (We've talked about getting a dog, but we want to wait until after the first of the year because we'll be gone for a week for Christmas, and our backyard is currently void of a fence.)

I come home everyday, watch an hour of Gilmore Girls reruns (4:00-5:00), Rachael Ray's 30 minute meals (5:00-6:00), and Scrubs reruns (6:00-7:00). Then we usually watch whatever during prime time. I do laundry, and clean (sometimes), and as involved as we are in our church, we don't usually get to hang out during the week because we live kinda far away. SIGH.

What to do? Any suggestions? I've considered a lot of things, but have come up with nothing. I've thought about:

• Getting a part time job - this will not work because if you work evenings, you're working until at least 9:00 or 10:00, and if I am going to keep my day job (which means getting there at 6:00am), then there's no way in hades I'm working at night.
• Volunteering - this is definitely an option, but with what/whom or for whom? And how flexible would they be? Am I equipped enough to do something?
• Classic hobbies - knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, cooking, etc. All sound like great options, but there's a couple issues. A) These hobbies cost money - something we don't have, especially not any extra. B) I'm usually not super coordinated. C) I get bored very easily. D) All of these hobbies still include sitting on my rear or eating. Not good.
• Not-so-classic hobbies - ....can't really think of anything currently, but I'm sure more and more money would be involved, and/or far too much activity (did I mention I'm lazy?) Ugh.
• Going to school for something - once again, a definite possibility, but once again, MORE MONEY. Thinking about gaining more debt kinda makes me gag a little.

And there's my dilemma. HELP!

Happy Halloween!

Yaaaar Matey! A'hoy!!!

How do I...

concentrate? One of my aunts (who is technically my second cousin, but we all call her our aunt) died yesterday from cancer. Paul and I will be flying up to Chicago tomorrow at some point for the services. There are just so many thoughts running through my head right now...not just about that, but about life in general, or the lack thereof. Geez...I can be ridiculously selfish sometimes. And I take life and everything I have for granted so often. And her death hasn't even really hit me yet. I guess because it happened so fast - within 6 months - that I can't truly fathom that she's gone.

The other big thing that I'm dealing with is my physical health. I don't know what's wrong, and it really could be nothing at all, but I have a lot of symptoms that I'm just not ok with. Symptoms including (but not limited to): major fatigue, heart palpatations (if that's what you could call it), soreness in a few different places, etc. Needless to say, I need to go see my doctor. Hopefully that will happen later this week when we get back from Chi-town. I hate cliches, but the one that says "when it rains, it pours" is and has always been pretty much true for me. Also, money is way sparce at the moment. I hate being sick, which I have been a lot lately, especially because if I have to take time off of work, it's without pay currently, so I've pretty much screwed us over for the next month and a half. Awesome. Right before Christmas.

This may sound silly, but it all makes me think about Luke's sermon from yesterday - if you didn't get to hear it, you need to. It stepped on my toes a little, but mostly, it was a pleading challenge to my heart...when will you have faith? When will you trust that I (God) am in control, whether you want me to be or not? When will you understand that your faith should be uncontrollable (in a good way)? When will you act out of bravado and not self-absorbtion? I know I'm hard on myself A LOT. It's a natural reaction for me. But this isn't that - it's more of a cry from God's heart to mine. And man, I am not dealing with it well. Not well at all.

However.

I'm going to focus on being thankful for a moment, so indulge me.

• I'm thankful for causal day at work today and tomorrow (if I'm here). Especially because I am in a bright green hoodie today, which makes me happy.
• I'm so ridiculously thankful for my husband. He makes every day worth it.
• My gratitude for the friendships I have around me is unexplainable. I never thought we'd be surrounded by so many amazing friends.
• Even though the reason is sad, I'm glad I get to see all of my family this week.
• I'm thankful that even though money is tight, we can trust a God who has already proven his faithfulness time and time again.
• I'm thankful for the roof over my head, the car(s) I'm able to drive, a job that pays me, a family that loves me, friends who know me and love me anyway, and a faith in a God who will keep me afloat.

Now, if I could just focus on work...

4 pounds and counting!

WOO-HOO!!! So I'm pretty amazed at the whole Atkins thing. I've heard that this is pretty much how it works for most people, but to me, this is great. It's been a week, and I've lost a little over 4 pounds (I say a little over because I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I know I lost at least a few more ounces...)! It does suck pretty badly - I can't tell you how many times I've said out loud how much I want a piece of (or a whole) cake to whoever will listen. But so far, I've survived watching people at work eat stuff in front of me (i.e. fried chicken, shells and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken cordon bleu (sp?), etc...and that's just one person...), and I told Paul that I wasn't going to punish him by making him eat only what I eat - he needs the carbs with as much physical work as he does. So he had pizza rolls and a PB&J for dinner last night. Which I didn't have to make for him - he's such a big boy! ;) I guess that's one plus - making dinner is not as involved as it was before - grilling a steak, throwing a salad together, steaming veggies in my wonderful PC (Pampered Chef) steamer, baking chicken...super easy. It's the carbs that are a bit more complicated - casseroles (which aren't hard, but can be time consuming), rice (I've always sucked at making rice), pasta (also not hard, unless you're doing something fun with it...and I have to do something fun with it), etc. I have had to take some Benefiber with this diet, though, because of all the cheese. LOL. And I've tried some of the Atkins stuff - their shakes and snack bars. I've been pretty surprised, actually...they're not the best tasting things in the whole world, but better than a lot of things I've tried.

The things I miss the absolute most right now are pasta and ice cream. I bought some low carb pasta sauce and the Smart Taste pasta from Ronzoni to try after the Induction phase is over. I just have to remember portion control. I'm going to start walking with one of my BFF's tomorrow (hopefully), and I'm actually semi-excited about it. I'm finally doing something just for me, and I think that's helping me to stay motivated.

Other than dieting, life is good! We had a great weekend - we hung out with wonderfully good friends, bought a new washer and dryer (which are amazing - you should come over and try them), had a great service on Sunday, and have plans for more awesome things this week. You know...God is so good. Even when we're in this stage of "growing up" and discipline, He brings joy in so many randomly beautiful ways. I just hope I can keep up the positivity.

A new blog! Whoa!

I know, I know. It's bad. I am almost on the same plane as others who have thought about giving up their blogs. It's time consuming, but I think I should keep it for now. Anyway...

Here's an update:

• We preached a youth retreat this past weekend for the Southern District of the C&MA. It was awesome! I think better than we had originally thought it would go. Paul and I both shared throughout the weekend, and got to really reach out to these kids. There were a bunch of leaders too, and we got to have some awesome convos. We definitely aren't called to youth ministry, but this is definitely the type of thing we would be up for again. Erik did an awesome job planning it, and Luke was such an awesome support for us. Smiles all around.
• I started Atkins yesterday. It's going to be hard, but I'm finally doing something for me, and not for anyone else. We'll see how it goes. I'm not going hardcore with it, but definitely trying to cut down on my carb levels. It's gotten out of control. I made omelets tonight that about rocked my face off. It's definitely gotten me back into cooking, which is awesome.
• I heart Christian Bale. Sorry, we're watching Batman Begins.
• I am loathing laundry right now. I'm usually totally ok with doing it, but I'm not a fan this week.
• Can you believe it's already October 7th? Geeeez.
• So I stopped counseling and the behavior meds I was on. I sincerely feel like God used them for a time, and made sure I knew when that time was up. It's actually a really peaceful thing. Paul and I both feel like God has been telling us that it's time to grow up lately...not necessarily in specific areas, but in general. For me, it's more of letting go of my selfishness, and for Paul, it's more of letting go of insecurity. We're looking forward to the future, but we're not so super focused on it now. We're trying to make decisions using wisdom...decision that will affect our future, whether short term or long term. It's kinda exciting.
• One of those decisions is to get a dog in the not-so-distant-future. No, we're not using it as practice for a kid. The Benz's may have influenced us a tad, though... ;)
• I'm so pumped about what God is doing around us right now. New things going on at church, new relationships being built, new gifts being searched out, new peace about the crappy things in life (aka my job), etc. God is soooo good, dude!

Yay for a blog! YAAAAY!

YAY!

On a FAR more positive note...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!!

We love you!

:)

Broken

I should have known that there was something wrong with me when I didn't create ANY to do lists this week or last. I should have known that something was coming...and yet, I was blind. But God has taken up most of my thoughts these two weeks, which admittedly is not a lot in comparison to the rest of my life. I just find myself broken today. There are times when I feel like a loser (like yesterday, for instance), times when I'm down on my physical self, times when I cry a lot for no reason, etc. But today, it's truly brokenness. And that's hard. I guess you come to the point at times where you realize how truly selfishly motivated you are. How hypocritical you are. How lost you are. The point where you don't think you have any more tears, and then a fresh batch pours from your eyes without control. (FYI, it sucks when that's happening at work.) And even though it may be ironic and selfish, I find it appropriate that I feel like this on 9/11.

I've been in counseling for a while now, and have been on anti-depression meds as well. But I don't think it/they are helping. All I feel is anxiety - this all-consuming, painful, paranoid anxiety. It keeps me from moving sometimes. So does fear. Fear that I'm going to seriously screw up my life. Fear that I'm not going to be what I need to be to Paul as a wife, or to my future children as a mom. Fear that I will be in a place I hate forever. Fear of trusting, loving, breaking. Fear of giving up all that you know to have that true faith in a Savior who has done more for me than anyone ever has or ever will. That faith you read about. That people are willing to write about because it is that influential. A faith that isn't consumed by the day-to-day. Faith that spits in the face of fear, not out of superiority or pride, but because it knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that He's bigger. I sing about it on Sunday mornings. I preach about it to the Church. I pray it in the prayers I pray, even if it's in just a whisper. I even have it tattooed on my body. But do I really know it? Do I fully trust that God is everything He says He is? I don't have that kind of faith.

There are plenty of times where I'm hard on myself for no reason - where I'm being self-critical, which is not healthy. And this may look (and feel) like one of those times, but it's not. I think it's me seeing even more of what God has been trying to show me for the past 6 months or so. My being overwhelmed and stressed is not a challenge for Him. It's what He wants me to give Him. To hand it over...to cast it on Him because of His kindness towards me.

And that's it. I'm out of words. But there's a quote that keeps pressing it's way onto the hurting parts of my heart, and the tired parts of my head. God, make this so in me:

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent."

Monday Monday

So Shana and I are in the same boat - we have lost the blogging fever. It's kinda sad, actually. I thoroughly enjoy reading other blogs, but seem to find no time to update my own. Well, here's a list to get me going:

• I have had a very rude yet needed awakening over the past couple weeks. Let's just say I was punked by my supervisor at work, and it has filtered into the rest of my life. I'm trying to rid myself of the negativity that I am so prone to feeling, and although it's tough, I know it's a process, so I'm going to keep moving forward.
• I haven't said it in a minute, so I'll say it now - I LOVE our church. Each person has their own place there, and even when you feel disconnected (which I have here lately), it only takes one service or one meeting or one dinner to make everything better. I wish I could hang out with everyone all week long...ah, if we only lived closer.
• Luke has been preaching on a sermon series about personal spiritual formation over the past couple weeks. The sermon yesterday spoke about how we are and should be conforming to the image of Christ, and not the images we have contrived for ourselves, but the true, biblical image of the Son of God. It was really powerful. It's yet another reminder that I am and will never acheive perfect in this life, so I have to stop expecting it of myself.
• God has really been convicting me of my speech lately. I understand the legalism behind all of it, and I think I've steered far enough to the other extreme. It's time to start catching those bad words before they come out of my mouth. Our women's group meeting last night really hit this home for me - we were discussing the attribute of being virtuous (from the Proverbs 31 woman), and I realized that my speech is no where near that. I know that even this is a process, but it's been a sucker punch to the face everytime I think about.
• I had a very ironicly (sp?) cool Jesus moment last week. In response to all of the stuff going on at work, I decided that posting some positive things around my cubicle would be a good start. Shana had reminded me of a verse about not complaining, and I decided to look it up and put it on my computer screen so I would see it every day. When Bible Gateway pulled up the reference, I about fell out of my seat. The reference is Philippians 2:14-16, which just so happens to be tattooed on my left ankle. I, of course, remember the portion about shining like stars, but have since forgotten the beginning of the passage. I laughed out loud at God's sense of irony and humor. Talk about your visual reminders.
• My excitement about the coming weekend waned today because there are supposed to be thunderstorms covering Destin, FL the whole time we're staying there. As much as I hate the beach part of the beach (the sand especially), it's still going to be very sad if it ends up raining the whole time. :( Hopefully it will be a good bonding experience for Paul's family, and I know there will be some good food and shopping involved, so it may turn out ok. AND I bought a couple bathing suit pieces that actually fit well. Thank you, Target!
• My excitement for the next weekend, however, has only grown since we bought our tickets to see Ben Folds play live with the Nashville Symphony. We're staying overnight and took that Monday off. I'm super pumped about this event, but even more because I will have three 4-day weeks in a row. YAY!
• Can you believe September is upon us? I think it's crazy that this year is flying by so quickly. Paul and I will be married 3 years on September 24th (hence the trip to Nashville), and although I'm excited about it, it feels like the time has flown...like we should be married longer than 3 years already. Sigh.
• I think I'm seriously going to start school in either January or next August. More to come on that front...
• And a new tattoo is inevitable before the end of the year. Boo-yah.

Hope all is well in the rest of the blogging world...drop a comment and say hi!